A place to stand, a place to hide

The best part is it would bring an end to airports and airlines

2009-01-27T12:02:00.003-06:00

I try not to use this blog as a passive email forwarding system, but in this case I'm making an exception. This news is one of the coolest things I've heard in a long time:

According to LiveScience, the university's Joint Quantum Institute for the first time was able to teleport information between two separate atoms across a distance of a meter--about one step for an adult.

Its entirely crazy to think about. What if they did this with a human being? Is the destination person really the same as the original person? Does the original person go away, or is this really just a new-fangled way to clone? Can this become a correctional medical device? Instead of plastic surgery, you just beam yourself across the room and switch a few molecules around in your nose in the process to make it less pointy? What about clothing? I've got a shirt that's a little too snug, can I enlarge it when I teleport it to my closet? Can it be used to target certain things? Can I instantly beam all of the spiders out of my house and into my neighbor's backyard? Think of the fun it could offer while driving! You could beam entire vehicles out of your way! Although I suppose we wouldn't need to drive at all. Ooo! What about food? What if we could beam all those pesky little bones out of fillet of fish before we eat it? Or how about garlic! Its such a pain to get the outer skin off of a clove of garlic, I'd love to be able to just beam it off.

So many possibilities! Lets pump some funding this way, Mr. President!

I Can Get Behind That

2009-01-22T00:45:00.000-06:00

There has been a lot of debate over the past 36 hours about President Obama's inaugural address. Many have expressed disappointment in the speech, saying that it needed to be more uplifting, more optimistic, more soaring in its rhetoric. It certainly was not a typical Obama speech, and that caught people by surprise -- me included.

But for 8 years we've had a president who was afraid, unable, or unwilling to be straight with us. He was a president who asked us time and again to trust him to make things right, only to betray that trust at every opportunity. We don't need another president like that, and we didn't need another speech like that either.

Instead, President Obama knew that the worst possible thing that could happen right now is for the American people to disengage, to be lulled into a false sense of security by an overconfident leader offering more than he alone could possibly deliver. As great as he is, Obama is only one man, and he cannot fix this country by himself. It wasn't just rhetoric when he said, "as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies." It was the truth. The entire speech was about the truth, about leveling with us about the challenges we face and the difficult road that lies ahead, but also building our confidence not just in government, but in ourselves.

Obama said exactly what he needed to say, even if it wasn't what we wanted to hear. And in doing so, our President demonstrated his courage by resisting the temptation to give the soaring, but ultimately empty, speech we were all expecting. And he demonstrated his faith in, and respect for, we the people, knowing that we will overcome these challenges and prove our worth once more. He is the embodiment of government by the people and for the people, and for that we should all be grateful and proud.

This was the perfect speech, the right speech, the only speech. And that, my fellow Americans, is something we should all get behind.

Jolly Good Person Watch: Rev. Joseph Lowery

2009-01-20T23:31:00.005-06:00

I dare say, Rev. Lowery stole the show today. I can't say I've ever heard such a poetic prayer:

Help us then, now, Lord, to work for that day when nation shall not lift up sword against nation, when tanks will be beaten into tractors, when every man and every woman shall sit under his or her own vine and fig tree, and none shall be afraid; when justice will roll down like waters and righteousness as a mighty stream.

Lord, in the memory of all the saints who from their labors rest, and in the joy of a new beginning, we ask you to help us work for that day when black will not be asked to get back, when brown can stick around -- (laughter) -- when yellow will be mellow -- (laughter) -- when the red man can get ahead, man -- (laughter) -- and when white will embrace what is right.

Let all those who do justice and love mercy say amen.

Amen!!

(See, if religion always spoke with such words and led by such example, this atheist might just join the flock.)

Looney Toon Watch: Pope Benedict XVI

2008-12-22T22:36:00.003-06:00

The Pope - this would be the straight old white man (the Pope is only allowed to be a straight old white man) who speaks on behalf of the entire Catholic Church and all Catholics the world 'round - this week reinforced the Church's homophobic bigotry by equating the threat of homosexuality with the need to save the planet:

Pope Benedict XVI has said that saving humanity from homosexual or transsexual behaviour is just as important as saving the rainforest from destruction.

He explained that defending God's creation is not limited to saving the environment, but also protecting man from self-destruction.

Apparently the planet's only worth saving if we can rid it of all the faggots in the process.

You can read the entire speech via the Vatican's web site, but only if you know Italian. (Pray to God tonight and if you're really good, he'll download the entire language into your brain while you sleep.)

Pope Benedict, now is the point in this blog entry when I call you one heckuva looney toon. But you're also one heckuva bigot. I'd say that to your face, but I have other equally important things to do, like converting to Buddhism and picking my nose (that's a form of meditation).

Unbelievable Ignorant Ass Watch: Vice President Dick

2008-12-16T21:44:00.001-06:00

Who better to resurrect this theme with than the Unholy Lord of Darkness himself, Vice President Dick Cheney?

Really, we should be grateful to Mr. Cheney, for giving us a reminder of just how rejoiceful we should be on January 20th when he is no longer in a position to destroy the moral fabric of our great nation.

You have to admire his compuction. I bet he wouldn't crumble under interrogation tactics like waterboarding...

I told you so

2008-12-11T23:44:00.003-06:00

On June 12, 2008, I said this:

I think Obama is going to turn the electoral map on its head, competing in some southern states and breaking the Republican lock on the mountain west. I predict that Obama wins in November with about 380 electoral votes. And furthermore, if I'm wrong, it'll be because I'm low.

(Well, okay, I got a little cocky there at the end. Still, give me some props, huh?)

Jolly Good Person Watch

2008-12-11T23:25:00.003-06:00

Today's Jolly Good Person is Jon Stewart, who recently took Mike Huckabee to task for his opposition to marriage equality. Now, lots of people have argued for and against this issue, but what sets Jon Stewart apart is his surprising ability to articulate his views, and his rarest of abilities to not seem confrontational or judgmental in doing so.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Mike Huckabee Pt. 2

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Stewart/Colbert in 2016!

Ba(ra)ck.

2008-12-11T22:10:00.001-06:00

At least 2 of my 11.922 readers have expressed concern over my conspicuous absence of late. Conspicuous because, you know, some stuff has been going on in the world that is ripe for blogging about. I'm referring to Britney, of course.

Oh, and the whole Obama thing.

You can actually blame Obama for my going MIA if you like. You see, his election as President threw me into quite an introspective mood. Its taken some time to find words for exactly how I feel about it. And without words, how do you blog?

It was quite an election, one for the history books, clearly. Everyone reacts differently to something like that. Going into election night, knowing that Obama was likely to win, I kind of expected that I would jump for joy, or cry, or burst into sparkles because I couldn't contain my excitement.

Instead, at 10:00 on election night, when the networks raced to get their flashy "Obama Wins!" graphics on screen, I sighed. I sighed the biggest sigh of my life. It just kept coming out, as if I'd been holding my breath for 8 years. 8 long years of fear, shock, disbelief, horror, disgust, and shame, all over at last. More than anything else, I was relieved.

Relieved that the campaign was over. Relieved that the Bush years were almost over. Relieved that John McCain wasn't going to be our next president. Relieved that Sarah Palin wasn't going to be our next president. Relieved that voters had made the right choice. Relieved that intelligence, rationality, and sensibility were returning to government. Relieved that no one got shot or killed.

Relieved to have my faith in my country restored, and to be a proud American for the first time in my adult life.

Shortly after the election, I was speaking to a friend who voted for McCain. He was cautioning against putting too much faith and hope at the feet of one man, and I explained to him that my hope and optimism for the future was born not just from the president I believe Obama will be, but also from the new sense of patriotism that he had magically inspired in people across the country. I feel like I live in the United States of America again. People are engaged and passionate about their country, they've woken up and are ready to be heard again. We've got something to prove, and we're proving it.

Have you seen this?

That is what gives me hope. (And goosebumps, every time.)

Books going the way of music?

2008-08-21T16:09:00.004-05:00

This is an interesting read about the implications of Amazon.com's Kindle and other digital book readers. (Simply put, the Kindle is to books and magazines as the iPod is to music.)

I immediately rejected the very notion as nonsense. Afterall, part of the joy of reading books is in flipping the pages, feeling the covers, and even smelling the newness (or oldness) of the paper. The physical, tactile aspect of reading is important and necessary. Reading from an electronic pad would rob the other senses of sharing in the experience. Why, it'd be like eating without being able to see or smell the food!

But it was not too many years ago when I had similar feelings about music. What about the CD art and liner notes? Won't the MP3 revolution banish the "album" to the past? I take pride in my giant 300-capacity CD stand and all of the treasures it holds. And its fun flipping through the CDs to find just right music for the occasion.

Ultimately, of course--and with surprisingly little resistance--all of those concerns gave way to the lifestyle-changing convenience offered by my iPod. I now have my entire music collection at home, at work, on the bus, at the gym, in the car, in bed, in the bathroom, on vacation. MP3s are cheaper, easier to find, faster to obtain, and less environmentally wasteful than CDs ever were or could be. iTunes even offers a jukebox-style interface for those of us who love to "flip" through our music collection. And really, did you ever look at the liner notes more than once? No, you didn't. And be honest: you don't miss them at all.

So here I sit, looking around my living room... at the three overflowing bookcases (one of which used to be my CD stand)... at all the space they take up and all the trees that died in order to make me feel really intelligent (I've only read about 10% of the books I have on display)... at all the dust that blankets the uneven rows of books. And I think about how many times I've gone on vacation and found myself wishing I'd brought along that new sci fi novel instead of this FDR biography. And all the heavy boxes full of books that I've been lugging around with me in life, the strained back muscles and the crushed toes.

And suddenly it seems an awfully neat idea to have my entire library at my fingertips, on a smooth, shiny little electronic device. I'm sure there will be leather covers we'll be able to slip our Kindles into. Who knows, maybe they could even infuse them with a slight musky aroma.

And think of all the stuff I could buy to take the place of those monstrous book shelves!

Looney Toon Watch: Laurie Coleman

2008-07-09T13:27:00.002-05:00

This one is priceless, folks. Truly.

Laurie Coleman, former runway model and wife of Senator Norm Coleman (R-MN), has invented a truly remarkable product: The Blo & Go hands-free blowdryer holster.

You must read the Washington Post article on this. It touches on the somewhat suspect connotations that this product's name generates:

Coleman's voice registers shock -- and dismay-- that anyone would make such a connection. "I didn't think of that," she says. And then she goes further to point out that the name wasn't even her idea. It came out of a committee. It was all in the brainstorming, during which "Freedom Styler" was rejected. And so it went: You get your hair blown out. You need a blowout. You get blown . . . out. And then you go. Bingo: "Blo & Go!"

Coleman's portable little device doesn't grip the nozzle of the blow-dryer; instead, it cradles the handle. It holds by suction to any flat surface such as a mirror. "I needed something of great quality that was really going to stay up," she says. "The whole key to this is the suction."

They tried to get a quote from Norm, but he at least had the smarts to realize the political sensitivity of this. Too bad they didn't ask his election opponent, Al Franken, to weigh in. I'm sure he wouldn't mind going on the record on this one.

Laurie Coleman, you're not only one heckuva looney toon, you're the looniest toon I've featured so far.

Best Damn Dozen Songs You've Never Heard

2008-07-08T20:26:00.003-05:00

Counting Crows - Holiday in Spain
Ryan Adams - Harder Now That It's Over
Dixie Chicks - The Long Way Around
Dan Wilson - Free Life
Jackson Browne - The Load Out (Stay)
Damien Rice - Elephant
Jeff Buckley - Everybody Here Wants You
Joan Osborne - Crazy Baby
Train - Hopeless
Eagles - The Last Resort
Josh Ritter - Girl in the War
Bruce Springsteen - Jungleland

Independence Day Quotation

2008-07-02T15:47:00.002-05:00

Russ Feingold, responding to the Congressional battle over the FISA bill:

I tease some of my colleagues - I say, we can celebrate the Constitution on July 4th and maybe when we come back you'll decide not to tear it up.

Looney Toon Watch: Russia

2008-06-20T16:19:00.004-05:00

This article was brought to my attention via Andrew Sullivan's blog over at the Atlantic Monthly. And I was so impressed by it, that I decided it deserved mention on my even more prestigious blog (in your face, Sullivan).

The picture is the best part, so click on the link, but here's the opening line from the article:

A monument to the enema, a procedure many people would rather not think about, has been unveiled at a spa in the southern Russian city of Zheleznovodsk.

The cute, naked, little children are a nice touch, don't you think?

Oh, Russia, you're all a bunch of looney toons!

Bonus question: Anyone who can correctly pronounce the name of that town will be featured as my next Jolly Good Person.

Wisdom

2008-06-19T11:36:00.002-05:00

Wise words from Garrison Keillor:

People who aren't real to each other are dangerous to each other. Stories give us the simple empathy that is the basis of the Golden Rule, which is the basis of civilized society.

The whole column is really great, one of his best of late.

Unbelievable Ignorant Ass Watch: President Shrub

2008-06-17T13:08:00.005-05:00

Here we go again. In response to the flooding in Gulfport, IL, where the levee just broke:

"I, unfortunately, have been to too many disasters as president," Bush said after a briefing on the flooding.

Do you think John McCain cries every time this ignorant fool opens his mouth? I mean, gee, George, maybe seeing as how you've been President of the United States for 8 years, you could have done something to prevent the levees from breaking.

Oh, and how has our next president been responding to this disaster? He's been doing something about it:

Looney Toon Watch: Sen. John Cornyn

2008-06-17T12:11:00.001-05:00

Whoa.

Video: Obama on Father's Day

2008-06-16T14:01:00.002-05:00

Here is how Obama will reclaim "family" as a Democratic value.

Damn, he's good.

Presidential Election Prediction

2008-06-12T21:05:00.003-05:00

I think Obama is going to turn the electoral map on its head, competing in some southern states and breaking the Republican lock on the mountain west. I predict that Obama wins in November with about 380 electoral votes. And furthermore, if I'm wrong, it'll be because I'm low.

Oooo, look at me, going out on a limb. I'm so dangerous! Zoolander face.

Jolly Good Person Watch

2008-06-11T20:47:00.000-05:00

I'm digging the recurring nature of many of my posts, so today I'd like to start up another thread. It's kind of a counterbalance to the Looney Toon Watch, and I'm calling it the Jolly Good Person Watch. Now, this flies in the face of my innate cynicism, but I like to think of myself as a happy cynic: one who assumes the worst but holds out hope for something better.

So in that spirit, I am pleased to announce that today's Jolly Good Person is Howard Dean, the man who turned me from a cynical cynic into a happy cynic.

The reason the Chairman of the Democratic Party gets to be my first Jolly Good Person is because today Barack Obama's campaign announced that they would actively compete in all 50 states. The Democrats haven't had a candidate who ran in all 50 states since, well, before there were 50 states.

Obama deserves major kudos for this decision, of course, and he seems to be a jolly good person in his own right, but Howard Dean laid the groundwork for Obama to even be in a position to make such a decision. In his 4 years as DNC Chair, Dean has actively persued a 50 state strategy to help Democrats at all levels of the ballot, and the party now has permanent paid staff in every state. That paid staff is in no small part responsible for the crazy ridiculous voter turnout for the Democratic candidates during the primary season. And they will be a critical part of Obama's campaign to win the general election.

I was as passionate a Dean supporter 4 years ago as you could find, and I was totally crushed when his campaign for president ended. But now, 4 years later, I am convinced that that was the best thing that could have happened, and that Dean is far better off as DNC Chair, where he really has represented and restored the "Democratic Wing of the Democratic Party."

He is a jolly good person, who deserves enormous credit for his long-term vision to help steer this country back on track.

And you can bet Barack Obama knows how lucky he is to have Dean at the DNC.

Speech Summaries

2008-06-04T12:29:00.000-05:00

John McCain said...

My friends, let us recognize the distinguished service of Senator Clinton and the profound campaign she has run. My friends, she has inspired us all, and by all rights should have been the Democratic nominee. My friends, I am proud to call her my friend. In fact, my friends, she is more than just a friend to me. My friends, I think I am in love with Hillary Clinton. She is my hero, my friends. And, my friends, I congratulate her on her historic campaign and for trying to show the American people how wrong an Obama presidency would be for our great nation.

My friends, Senator Obama talks a lot about change. And if I didn't have to go to bed soon, I would take this time to rattle off a bunch of untruths about things he has said and done, my friends, that clearly and convincingly show that he is not offering change we can believe in. Most importantly, he won't go to Iraq with me, my friends. He is an unpatriotic, terrorist-loving, NPR-listening, latte-drinking, volvo-driving, tax-and-spend liberal communist traitor who will lead this country to its ruin.

That is the hope and optimism I offer you, my friends. I will lead this coun-- (watching their ratings plummet before their eyes, all the networks cut away to talk about exit polling...)

Hillary Clinton said...

Thank you everyone for joining me in the basement tonight to celebrate our win in South Dakota! I appreciate your support, South Dakota, and I thank all of my supporters there for their hard work.

I also want to congratulate Barack Obama.

Now, back to me. A lot of people are asking, 'What does Hillary want?" Well, let me tell you what I want. I want the same things I've wanted this entire campaign. I want health insurance for all Americans! I want our troops out of Iraq, even though I helped put them there! I want to save the planet! And I want someone to hurry up and find some juicy dirt on Barack so I can be the nominee!

Because of all of this, I am not going to make any decisions tonight. You all voted for me, and you deserve respect for that. I'm going to get it for you, even if it means losing in November! That's how deep my devotion to you goes!

(Also, please go to HillaryClinton.com and send me some money because I'm broke.)

Barack Obama said... well, watch for yourself, because I can't joke on something so awesome and inspiring:

Looney Toon Watch: John McCain

2008-05-23T10:58:00.005-05:00

John McCain has been in politics for decades. This is not his first presidential campaign. And he presumably has a circle of the best Republican advisors in the country helping him run his campaign. He should know what he's doing.

So who had the bright idea to put McCain on the Ellen Degeneres Show? Who actually pumped their fist in the air and said, "I've got it! We'll send John onto a popular daytime talk show hosted by an evil lesbian who, in defiance of all that is sacred and just, is getting married this summer to another evil lesbian, so that he can defend his bigotry towards homosexuals just like her. And then, to make it even better, we won't give John any preparation on how to respond to Ellen's questions. He can respond off the cuff, because he's so good at that. It'll be great!"

Witness the loonacy:

John McCain, and all of your advisors, y'all are one heckuva bunch of looney toons!

New product marketing plan

2008-05-20T09:18:00.000-05:00

McDonald's is now offering Gourmet Fries. They're just like the old fries, but they're sprinkled with magic fairie dust to make you feel like a prude.

McDonald's new Gourmet Fries... you know you're worth it.

Reasons Hillary Should Not Drop Out

2008-05-20T08:56:00.004-05:00

She could still win the nomination, provided that the Martians attack Luxembourg while Chelsea is vacationing there, so that she can demonstrate her impressive alien-ass-kicking skills for all the world, thereby proving that her mom is a compassionate woman who isn't afraid to beat the snot out of the bad guys. And if you missed the logic there, you're clearly too smart to be voting.
She is $20 million in debt, and there are still plenty of gullible Americans who will offer to help pay it off, even though she and Bill are gazillionaires.
I'm still hoping for a Dean-esque "rawwwwrrrrrrr" one of these times when she's on TV and listing out the states that still have to cast their votes. Come on, Hill', just once. Please???
Because stubbornness and the inability to see reality are important traits that Americans clearly admire in their president.
Its too much fun betting on how Bill will fuck things up tomorrow.

Looney Toon Watch: Monica Conyers

2008-05-09T13:32:00.008-05:00

Today's Looney Toon is Detroit City Councilwoman Monica Conyers, who demonstrates in the video clip below what it means to be a role model in the fine city of Detroit:

The best part is when she tries to justify her behavior by suggesting that since it's okay for schoolchildren to act like, well, schoolchildren, then she shouldn't be held to any higher standard.

Having grown up in the Detroit area, seeing further evidence that the city's government is hosed is nothing out of the ordinary. It is, however, highly entertaining. After all, who doesn't love watching the sweet, innocent children put a corrupt politician in her place?

Monica Conyers, you're one heckuva looney toon!

MSNBC Parody

2008-05-07T16:25:00.005-05:00

I'm a big fan of parody, especially with politics because its all such an absurd business, its begging to be made fun of. I must admit, I'm still proud of my attempt to parody one of the Republican debates, even though I'm quite certain I'm the only person who read it (where are my 7.12 readers?).

Still, it doesn't compare to this masterful smack on MSNBC pundits Chris Matthews and Tim Russert. Gawd. Just hilarious, and spot on. Here's an excerpt, but seriously, check out the whole thing:

Tim: You know, it reminds me a lot of when my dad, BIG RUSS, and I watched Bills games together. Just one of those real back-and-forth games. You had Jim Kelly, the great, All-pro quarterback. And you had Thurman Thomas, the wonderful running back. Those were real competitions. And that’s what we have here. A REAL competition. With Barack Obama, whose this sort of great, unpolished talent. Very much like Vince Young, the quarterback down in Tennessee.

Chris: I agree. I think he’s just like Vince Young, right down to the gay throwing motion. This REALLY is astounding. I’ve always said politics is just like football, and it’s showing here.

I Can't Get Behind That: Unexpected Defending Hillary Edition!

2008-05-07T12:53:00.005-05:00

I can't get behind the whole "Hillary should drop out because she's dividing the Democratic Party and damaging our eventual nominee and aiding the terrorists and defying the will of the people and fighting a hopeless cause and scaring the children, the sweet innocent children, " argument.

Sure, we've got a heated nomination contest. But is it dividing the party? I don't think so. And whatever minimal division it is causing is, in my opinion, completely worth the ridiculous voter turnout we're seeing in every state. It's called party building, people, and that will help not only our presidential candidate, but every other Democratic candidate on the ballot this November, and in elections to come.

And as for the Obama-bashing she has executed so well, I happen to think that Obama needs to experience that. Because he is a relative novice, an untested candidate (which is different from being an untested leader), he's gonna face this kind of shit in the general election. Better he get used to it now. It will hopefully make him a stronger candidate versus McCain.

Lastly, I think the children deserve a little more credit - they're tough enough to handle Hillary's fear tactics.

I Can Get Behind That: Duh Edition

2008-04-04T11:21:00.004-05:00

I share this video not to attack John McCain (although it's a legitimate criticism), but because I continue to be dumbfounded by how much lip service we pay our troops, and how rarely we back it up. We don't pay for their education, we don't sufficiently support their families while they're serving, we don't give them adequate armor and weaponry, and we don't deply them responsibly.

These men and women deserve a free ride for life, if you ask me. But to start, can't we at least give them a free education?

The new G.I. Bill: Can't we all get behind that?

Things you shouldn't do when trying to sell me a car

2008-04-02T00:31:00.005-05:00

Suggest I test drive a vehicle I clearly have no interest in, just so you can get rid of me for a few minutes to attend to a different customer.
Disappear every 2 minutes to make sure your boss agrees with whatever lie you're about to tell me.
Call me "Buddy" upon first meeting. Maybe, maybe when I'm 50 years old, you've sold me a dozen cars over my lifetime, and our children play together in my private amusement park (because I'll be filty rich) on the weekends. Maybe.
Suggest I try out a Lexus if I've already made it clear I'm not looking to pay much more than $20K.
Complain profusely about having to clean the snow off of the car I'm asking to test drive. I can't control the weather. And I sure as hell ain't gonna scrape the damn windows. Take the time to think up ways to screw me without my knowing.
Speaking of which, I really would appreciate not knowing. So don't suggest that license fees and first payment on a lease would add up to about $1000 up front. The way to conceal your lies is not to be blatant about them.
Assume that I have a wife and kids who would "love riding in this with you."
Try to talk me into a Hummer when I stated up front that I was looking for something with good gas mileage. Come on. Also, don't try to convince me that 15 mpg is "decent."
Promise you'll call me on Monday with a quote, and then don't.
Suggest that I could install some custom padding to reduce the pain in my knees caused by your uncomfortable vehicle.

Looney Toon Watch: Michelle Bachmann

2008-03-27T11:14:00.004-05:00

I'm not sure if this will turn into a regular segment on this oh-so-popular blog, but this is the inaugural edition of The Looney Toon Watch. And our first Looney Toon? Representative Michelle Bachmann of Minnesota's 6th Congressional District. Everybody's favorite reality-hating nut-job. So many ways to describe her, so few pejoratives in the English language...

This week Ms. Bachmann is introducing a landmark bit of legislation in the House. It's title, really, says it all: "The Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act." And the gist of the bill? According to the Star Tribune, "the bill seeks to repeal the nationwide phase-out of conventional light bulbs."

According to Bachmann, "This is an issue of science over fads and fashions." In case you're missing the irony here, Michelle Bachmann, who is also quoted in the article as claiming that global warming is "voodoo, nonsense, hokum, a hoax," is bringing this bill on behalf of science.

She's also arguing that this is a government intrusion of personal freedoms and privacy. In case you're once again missing the irony here, Michelle Bachmann, who is arguably the leading crusader in Congress for having the government tell people whether they can get married, is bring this bill on behalf of limited government intervention in our lives.

Michelle Bachmann, you're one heckuva looney toon.

8 Reasons Facebook Frightens Me

2008-03-25T20:12:00.000-05:00

Most of it doesn't make sense to me, which says more about me than it does the site.
People are willing to pay a buck to send a Facebook friend a virtual gift that is completely devoid of any value or meaning.
Since joining the site, my sense of self-worth has become solely dependent on how many Facebook friends I have.
Total strangers can poke you.
Totally hot strangers never poke me.
People I don't even like in the real world want to be my friends. And yet, they may help out with #3, so...
I have updated my Facebook status at least 5 times in the past 8 hours. And each time I rapidly clapped my hands like an evil nerd who just figured out how to make the Windows logo drip with the virtual blood of Bill Gates.
I have been attacked by virtual zombies.

Highlight of my day

2008-03-24T19:01:00.006-05:00

Today, I spent nearly 20 minutes of my life trying to explain to an engineer that, in fact, nobody in the world except for members of his profession speak, read, or write the word "invariant" without rolling their eyes at their own ass-ness.

Furthermore, arguing that "invariant" and "constant" do not mean the same thing need not require postulations (his word) on the meaning of Pi.

I Can Get Behind That

2008-03-21T21:51:00.003-05:00

A friend recently sent me flowers and a balloon as a get well wish. This totally rules on its own. However, the balloon has turned into the most entertaining item in my house. Not only does it float around on its own, showing up when you least expect it, but it has also completely captivated the cats.

Fanty was the first to discover that a string hangs down from the balloon -- a string which must be attacked, chewed, clawed, mangled, shredded, and generally abused. Mingo quickly got over his initial panic at the sound the balloon makes when it bounces against the ceiling, and now they take turns jumping up at the string and trying to pull it down to the ground with their teeth. Oh the acrobatics!! And Fanty has even taken to getting the string in his mouth and then taking the balloon for a stroll through the house. Its like they are best friends.

Helium balloons turned ultimate cat toys: I can get behind that!

Activities to Avoid After Novocaine

2008-02-19T12:09:00.004-06:00

Drinking water. You may think you're swallowing, but actually your dribbling it down your shirt.
Chewing food. You may think that's a bagel your chewing, but its actually the inside of your cheek.
Speeding. Yebbus, obbither, whabbut beems oo be dee pobem?
Attend your annual performance review. Difficult to make your case for a raise with saliva sliding down your chin.
Singing. Never mind that you'll sound like a fool, this can actually be a dangerous activity when you don't have full control of the muscles in your mouth.
Ordering food from a drive thru. You may think you said, "Whopper with cheese and a small fry," but what you got was a grilled chicken sandwich, hold the mayo, with an iced tea and an apple pie.
Getting photographed. You may think you smiled...
Making out... and more. Just whose tongue are you sucking on?

This is not a time to play it safe

2008-02-18T14:53:00.006-06:00

I've hemmed and hawed quite a bit this election, trying to decide which candidate I like the most.

(And can I just pause to revel in that statement... because it's so nice to not be settling for the lesser of two weevils!)

The reason I decided on Obama is because this is an election in which I feel its important to take a risk. We're at a point where we need a president who will dramatically shift the direction this country is taking. We can't play it safe this time. Hillary would be a fine president, and in a different election, I'd be happy to vote for her. Even John McCain probably wouldn't be a disastrous president (well, the bar has been set awfully low...). But for this election, we don't need a safe candidate, we need a bold candidate.

We need someone bold enough to remind the rest of the world that America really is a beacon of hope, that we are not to be feared. That we are here to lead, not hinder, the way to a better future.

We need someone bold enough to conduct an honest foreign policy.

We need someone bold enough to acknowledge our failing education and health care systems, and to lead the way towards the right solutions.

And we need a President who is bold enough to finally set this nation's sights squarely on overcoming the global climate crisis. The time for debating the nature of this crisis has long passed, its now time to debate how we survive it.

I'm not naive to the risks that an Obama candidacy and presidency pose. He's gonna have a heck of a fight on his hands against John McCain, and I worry that he won't have the spine to stick up for himself. I have no doubt that Hillary Clinton would dish it right back at John McCain. But I also know that Obama has the potential to defend himself while also rising above the mudslinging.

And yes, absolutely, Barack Obama doesn't have the government experience that either Clinton or McCain offer. But if you read history, you know that the greatest presidents weren't necessarily the most experienced. The greatest presidents were those who surrounded themselves with advisors and a cabinet full of experience and insight, and who kept an open mind when listening to their advice before making a decision. If Obama can follow this precedent, which George Bush has so drastically disregarded, then I have no concerns that he'll be a competent President.

If asked, most voters would say that a candidate's stand on the issues is the most important criteria, but I think the issues are just the first test. When looking at a pool of candidates, we first weed out those with whom we disagree on the issues. If we're lucky, as we are this primary season, that won't narrow the field down to just one candidate. What, then, do you judge them on?

Their character. Their strength of will. Their vision. Their ability to inspire or move us. Their talent for showing us a different, better way forward. These are all the things that this country is in desperate need of. And these are all the things that Barack Obama is offering.

4 years from now, its possible we'll look back on this election and regret electing Barack Obama. He may turn out to be a horrible president. Anything is possible, and we can't really know for certain going into it. But regardless of how history judges him, we'll be able to say that we had the courage to take a chance on hope. That, in my opinion, is far better than playing it safe and being the same or worse off because of it. There's too much at stake, and we cannot afford not to be bold this November.

Jane Fonda a Traitor, Again

2008-02-15T10:20:00.002-06:00

Jane Fonda said "cunt" on national television recently.

Does it concern anyone else that Americans coast to coast get so riled up over a word, which regardless of its connotations is perfectly harmless because its a word, yet they can remain so apathetic about the daily deathcount in Iraq, the looming global warming crisis, and our President's historic and criminal attack on civil rights and freedoms?

Feeling bloggy

2008-01-31T15:48:00.000-06:00

Look at me, blogging up a storm all of a sudden. I think this is my fourth post in half as many days. I rule.

I have several nonpolitical observations and thoughts to share with my 4.8 readers:

This could be my very last blog post ever. I'm going to Colorado for the next week, and have resigned myself to dying on the slopes. All I'm hoping for is that I die cleverly and unusually. Running into a tree is soooo cliche. Instead, I'd like to die in a series of tumbles, rolls, and bounces that culminate in my wiping out some pain-in-the-ass teenage snowboarders before landing so unfortunately on the pointy end of a ski pole, which spears me through the heart. Kinda like how that scientist guy dies in the beginning of the movie Serenity (only without the creepy bounty hunter guy). That's my geek reference for the day.
I just turned down a free one week trip to Ireland in March. My boss wants to send me an another guy out there to slap some people around. Unfortunately, I have some personal life conflicts that cannot be avoided, so I can't go. SUCK.
"Sweet Jesus!" is my new catchphrase. Hopefully I can offend a few more crazy God-nuts this way.
I recorded the two hour premier of Lost last night, but am still debating whether to bother watching it. When a show has gotten so confusing and convoluted that they have to run hints, memory-joggers, and clues along the bottom of the screen so the viewers aren't completely clueless, I can't help but question whether it's still a show worth watching. Besides, having recently become completely addicted to Project Runway, I have enough dramatic television to watch.
Switching from Gay to Manly-Man mode... the Red Wings are freakin' on fire this season! Dare I dream that they'll at least make it to the conference finals? I just hope they don't get too full of themselves during the trading season. The team is kinda perfect just the way they are. Don't mess with a great thing.
In other sports thoughts, I'm a little disappointed that I'm going to miss the Superbowl this year. I'm not a football fan, but I suspect this game is going to be one of those rare but special historic sporting moments. For what its worth, I hope the Patriots win. They deserve to end the season as perfectly as they've played it all along. (I'm also going to miss out on an even bigger spectator sport: Super Duper Tuesday. But I promised I wouldn't talk about politics in this post.)

Debate transcript

2008-01-31T10:56:00.000-06:00

I happened to catch most of the Republican debate last night. This was perhaps the worst moderated, most poorly set up debate ever. It just sucked on production value (it was like watching Cloverfield at times) and substance.

However, it was highly entertaining!! It's always so much fun watching two bullies fight each other. Here is the transcript of one of the exchanges (this is verbatim, of course):

Anderson Cooper: "Senator McCain, please tell us why Governor Romney is such a fucking idiot."

John McCain: "Well, Anderson, I'm proud of my record on this issue. I have put my career and reputation on the line in order to ensure that the American people know the truth about Governor Romney. And while I have the utmost respect for him, the facts do not lie, and it cannot be denied that he is such a fucking idiot. I think my unwavering stand on this issue demonstrates my leadership skills, and I would bring those leadership skills to the White House."

Anderson Cooper: "Thank you, Senator, for not actually answering the question. Governor Romney, would you like to respond?"

Mitt Romney: "You bet your ass I would, Anderson. Listen, I'm not the fucking idiot on this stage. We've had 15 debates over nearly 12 months to talk about this issue, but Senator McCain is only bringing it up now? This is dirty politics, Anderson, and I think the American people see right through it."

John McCain: "He's a fucking idiot, Anderson, that's the buzzword."

Mitt Romney: "I only said that I'm a fucking idiot when it comes to automobile mechanics. And let me say again, it's been almost a year since I said that, and we've had 500 debates since then in which Senator McCain could have questioned me about it, but he didn't. He didn't, because he's only using it as a dirty political trick to try and distort my record. Which I'm proud of, by the way."

John McCain: "It was the buzzword at the time, "fucking idiot," everyone was saying that phrase. Except me of course, I have never said it, and I'm proud of my record of never having said it. I've staked my career and reputation on it."

Anderson Cooper: "Congressman Paul wants in on this question. Congressman, you have 2.5 seconds to respond and then I will rudely cut you off and go back to the real candidates in this race."

Ron Paul: "Well this is just nonsense, Anderson! The world is ENDING, and yet here we are talking about who's the bigger fucking idiot! Let's move beyond this childish rhetoric and talk about the real issues at hand."

Anderson Cooper: "Thank you Congressman, now back to Senator McCain. Senator, can you tell us more about your record?"

Mike Huckabee: "Hold on, Anderson, I've got a really masterful metaphor that I've been waiting to share, it will be funny and witty and I promise to smile when I say it."

Anderson Cooper: "Well, the next question is for Senator McCain--"

Mike Huckabee: "Please, pretty please? God thinks its a good idea."

Anderson Cooper: "Can't argue with that, I guess. Go ahead, Governor."

Mike Huckabee: "Thank you Anderson. You know, I had a dog once, who used to bark incessantly. So much so that we named it Hillary. But the difference is, Hillary the dog wasn't trying to destroy this country. That's why I'd be a good president."

Anderson Cooper: "Okay, moving on--"

John McCain: "Fucking idiot. That was the buzzword."

Mitt Romney: "Unbelievable! What a fucking idiot!"

John McCain: "I'm not the fucking idiot. You declared yourself the fucking idiot."

Mitt Romney: "I did not! Let me be perfectly clear on this: I am not a fucking idiot. Never have been, am not one now, and never will be."

John McCain: "Well, if you're not a fucking idiot now, but you were back then, then at the very least we should be able to agree that you're a flip flopper. And I'm proud of my record on flip floppers. I've staked my entire career and reputation on it."

Ron Paul: "Anderson, can we please talk about the END OF THE WORLD?"

Anderson Cooper: "I think we're seeing it start right on this stage."

Bye Bye Rudy

2008-01-30T13:15:00.000-06:00

Rudy's a goner. I'm sure that all 3 people who actually felt he'd be a good president are in mourning. I'm not one of them, but I do mourn his departure just because it moves the Republicans a step closer to finding a candidate, and I've really been enjoying this cluster fuck of a Republican primary.

So I guess its down to McCain and Romney. The Fear-mongerer vs The Slimeball. I hope it gets nasty! Maybe Mitt could swiftboat McCain by suggesting that he severed the head of his pet snake and shared its blood with an illegal immigrant, and then McCain could fire back by suggesting that Romney is secretly sleeping between Bill and Hillary each night in an effort to get a taste of their political genius. Hm, I wonder which is more offensive to Republican blowhards: sex with Bill or sex with Hillary?

And is Ron Paul still running? Or, in his quest to dismantle the entire government, has he accidentally dismantled his campaign, too? (Sorry, that was a cheap shot. Its just that the more I read about his domestic policy ideas, the less I think of him. But he still gets it on foreign policy, so I guess I should be nice.)

Okay, I'm done making fun of the Republicans. For now. Back to the Britney Spears story...

Bye Bye Edwards

2008-01-30T13:06:00.000-06:00

John Edwards dropped his presidential bid today. It was inevitable, but regretful just the same. For all of Hillary's supposed experience and all of Obama's promises of change, only John Edwards brought real passion and sobering honesty to this campaign.

Four years ago I voted for him at my precinct caucus because he was the only choice left whose name wasn't John Kerry. But this time around I would have voted for him because he earned my respect and, thus, my vote.

So, Barack Obama it is. I'll proudly cast my vote for him.

Time to get my geek on

2008-01-17T14:22:00.000-06:00

They've finally released the first official picture from the new Star Trek movie:

How can you not get excited by that??? It looks meaner and badder. It looks kick ass. :)

I Can't Get Behind That (Special Election Edition)

2008-01-16T14:59:00.001-06:00

Mike Huckabee: I can't get behind a wackaloon like you.

As I've been talking politics with friends and family of late, I've kind of gone out of my way to defend Huckabee as an intelligent, well-meaning Republican who I disagree with, wouldn't vote for, but wouldn't be entirely offended by if he were President.

And then Mike went and said this:

Key quotation:

"[Some of my opponents] do not want to change the Constitution, but I believe it's a lot easier to change the constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God, and that's what we need to do is to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards."

That's a rather historic statement to make. Has there ever been a presidential candidate who so blatantly and directly proposed that we so completely unseparate religion and government? You know, I'm a strong supporter of marriage rights for all, but I must make an exception and insist that Church and State should never be wed together.

So forget everything I said about Mike Huckabee. He's a total looney toon. Which finally explains why he has so much support in his party.

Thank you WGA!

2008-01-11T10:07:00.000-06:00

I've been loathing the upcoming onslaught of shitty reality programming that will be flooding our TV airwaves this spring and summer thanks to the lack of quality scripted television resulting from the writers strike.

However, I must admit I'm totally excited about this resurrection:

"The Mole" has infiltrated ABC once again. The network announced Tuesday that it's bringing back the unscripted series for a summertime run.

The Mole remains my favorite reality show of all time, and I was so frustrated when it went celebrity and then went bye-bye. I can't wait to see the new season!

Iowans get it right this time

2008-01-04T09:51:00.000-06:00

Being an embittered Howard Dean follower in 2004, I have a love-hate (mostly hate) relationship with Iowa. But last night, watching as an undecided spectator, I was delighted with the candidates that Iowa chose in their caucuses. Not necessary because I am infatuated with either Obama or Huckabee, but because their very presence and momentum in this race seems a good omen.

While Obama and Huckabee are far apart ideologically on most of the issues, they have two important things in common: sincerity and intelligence. If you haven't already seen them, watch their victory speeches (I've embedded them below). I, for one, am just happy that they can speak above a 1st grade level. I'm kind of excited at the idea of hearing these two candidates debate. They might actually have a real discussion, rather than just flinging mud back and forth. (Although I'm sure there will be plenty of that as well.)

So way to go Iowa, for making this race interesting.

More about the WGA Strike

2007-11-08T09:49:00.000-06:00

I've been challenging myself to justify my increased curiosity and interest with the WGA strike, compared to the lesser attention I've paid to other labor strikes (such as the NWA workers). I've come up with several possible explanations that, combined, seem satisfactory:

It's Hollywood, which makes the strike a form of entertainment. I actually just watched a bunch of videos from the frontlines, with various Hollywood stars who have chosen to join the picket lines to support the writers. And I felt pride for some of the stars who did so. Gawd.
It has the potential to impact my daily life much moreso than most other labor disputes, even though that disruption is merely a "bummer" instead of any kind of inconvenience. Although really, how am I going to live without The Office?
It's getting more media coverage, of course, than a "typical labor dispute" (I actually heard someone say that on TV last night).
I once thought of myself as an amateur writer (and, in my dreams, I still imagine myself writing the next great novel), so in a completely cheesy, melodramatic way, these are my peeps in the picket lines.
It seems to me, at least, that this strike is very black & white. I've yet to hear anything close to a compelling argument supporting the industry's side of this debate. It comes down to this: they're greedy bastards who don't want to share a single penny more than they have to with the creative people who make them all their money.

In contrast, the NWA workers' strike is much more gray for me. I mean, I still side with the workers, but I can at least recognize that Northwest (and all airlines) are faced with some very difficult financial circumstances right now. It's not an easy industry. From a purely financial point of view, layoffs and pay cuts and benefit cuts could possibly be justified.

In other words, I can at least see two sides to that issue, even though I have a pretty strong opinion of which side is in the right. I can't say the same with the WGA strike. Because it's so obvious that greed is the one and only motivating factor for the industry, I have become emotionally invested in seeing the WGA stick it to the man.
Ron D. Moore, who was a staff writer for Deep Space Nine (my favorite sci-fi show of all time until...) and is currently executive producer of Battlestar Galactica (... came along), has taken sides with the writers. And seeing as how I basically think of Mr. Moore as a God, I don't see how I could disagree with him.

Cheers, darlin'

2007-11-08T09:48:00.000-06:00

I didn't get laid off. But, there's always next quarter!

I'm impressed

2007-11-06T12:32:00.000-06:00

Several things have impressed me this week:

Ron Paul, or rather, his legions of fans, have raised over $4 million in one day online. More impressive still, that money came from about 35,000 contributors, which averages out to about $115 per contribution. It's like Howard Dean all over again, except this time the candidate really is outside his party's mainstream. Not that that's a bad thing.
For some reason, I'm rather captivated by the Writers Guild strike in Hollywood. It's kind of interesting to watch a strike play out in an industry that isn't critical to the day-to-day lives of most Americans. Which is not to say that the writers don't have good cause for the strike, and that its not important to them. I think they've got a right to royalties from the booming distribution of telivision and movies via the Internets. So I hope they win. But soon, because I'll be really pissed off if this strike messes with my TV watching. (Actually, the real threat of this strike to us viewers is a greater proliferation of shitty unscripted American reality television.)
I'm impressed by some of the Ecospot entries, but I already said that. Now I've said it again.
Al Franken and Mike Cirisi, the two Democrats running against Senator Norm Coleman (R-MN), each recently polled in a statistical dead heat with the incumbent. I'm impressed with both candidates, but moreso with Minnesotans who appear to be wising up to Coleman. I'm sure Paul Wellstone is smiling from his grave.

Ecospot

2007-11-06T09:33:00.000-06:00

Ever watched Current TV? It's strangely addicting, that viewer-generated content. Anyway, Current TV is holding a little competition (Al Gore might have something to do with it...), in which viewer's are competing to create the best 60 second eco-ad. You can watch the semifinalists and vote for them here. I'm really impressed with the creativity of some of the entries.

I Can't Get Behind That (Special Video Edition!)

2007-11-02T17:17:00.001-05:00

I can't get behind Hillary Clinton.

Mayor Makes a Funny

2007-10-31T15:10:00.001-05:00

I'm not Minneapolis Mayor RT Rybak's biggest fan, but he made me laugh today. The UpTake has the video of this quotation:

“When we were bidding on the convention… the head of the Republican Party called me and said ‘Ya know, it’s coming close and you guys are great contenders here, but I need you honestly to say that you’ll work as hard for the Republican Convention as the Democratic Convention.’ And I said ‘Well, to be perfectly honest, I think I’m going to have to work a little harder on the Republican Convention.’ And he said ‘Why?’ And I said ‘Well, because I want to make sure the protest areas are comfortable for my wife and kids.’ ”

Badda bing!

I'm not sure whether I'll get the hell out of dodge when the right-wing wackaloons come to town next year or if I'll stick it out and join the protests. Leaning towards the latter, though, if for no other reason than the I'm still debating whether to get the hell out of dodge when the all the right wing wackaloonscamaraderie among protesters is always fun. And if Rudy's their nominee, then we could all protest in drag, which would add greatly to the experience.

Excuse me

2007-10-29T15:26:00.003-05:00

So this is my second attempt at blogging, and its going swimmingly, don't you think? It's been one month and one day since I last posted. I'm sure I've lost at least half of my 5.7 readers in that time.

And what, dear svenden, can you offer as a grand and satisfactory excuse for this neglect?

Work.

And there goes another .43 readers.

I've been in hurry-up-and-wait mode for the past few weeks. This is a common phenomenon in the product development arena, in which everyone rushes to meet an unrealistic deadline, but something inevitably falls behind, and because "capable project management" is an elusive theory that is completely foreign to Project Managers, the unrealistic deadline gets pushed out a couple months.

Which brings us to this very moment, where I find myself sitting at work, twiddling my thumbs. So what have I been doing this past month? Let's bring you up to speed...

I got sopping drunk and sopping wet (in that order) at Oktoberfest in La Crosse, Wisconsin. I got older. I cleaned the shidayzies out of my house (it sparkled, I swear). I went up to Calgary to sing, dance (poorly), sightsee, take some pretty damn good pictures, do the full monty, and enjoy some excellent home-cooked Indian cuisine. I got sick. I was told I may get laid off, or that I may get a promotion. I got sicker. I got better. I got sicker. I got betterer. And I got told that I'm probably not getting laid off.

And now I get to go to a meeting. Woot.

Wally

2007-09-28T09:58:00.000-05:00

In today's Dilbert, Wally says the following: "My alleged loyalty to this company is second to none." My hero!

Given all the layoffs and general suckiness around work these days, I'm extraordinarily tempted to add that to all my work emails.

Way to go, Al!

2007-09-27T12:19:00.000-05:00

People with the first name of "Al" seem to be among my favorites of late. Al Franken is newest on my list. In case you've been hiding under a box for the past couple years (and really, who would blame you?), you're probably aware that he's campaigning to be the next US Senator from Minnesota.

His opponent, the not-so-honorable Senator Norm Coleman, recently went on the offensive, if you can call it that, by taking out an advertisement in the New York Times (hey Norm, just so you know, you represent the people of Minnesota; we have our own newspapers, thank you very much). Well, I'll just let Al explain (courtesy the Minnesota Star-Tribune):

I'm a satirist by trade. And as a satirist, my job was to point out the absurd, the hypocritical, the ridiculous in life.

It's been a banner week for ridiculous.

Case in point: On Tuesday, Sen. Norm Coleman took out an ad in this paper criticizing me for criticizing a Senate resolution that criticized MoveOn.org for taking out an ad in the New York Times criticizing Gen. David Petraeus.

It is, of course, ridiculous that the United States Senate spent a day debating and voting on a resolution condemning an advertisement while our troops remained in Iraq, fighting a war with no end. And it's doubly ridiculous that Coleman, of all people, is still playing politics with this issue.
After all, he voted last week against a resolution that condemned personal attacks on anyone who had served our nation honorably. That would include Democrats like Max Cleland, John Kerry and John Murtha -- proud American veterans who were the targets of political attacks not just on their character, but on their patriotism. In 2004, when Murtha (a Silver Star winner) called for better armor for our troops, Coleman himself accused him of "emboldening the enemy" and "undermining the morale of our troops."

And as his reelection campaign gets underway, it's worth noting that Coleman has hired the same media consultant who ran ads in Georgia that juxtaposed pictures of Cleland, who lost two legs and an arm in Vietnam, with Osama bin Laden.

I guess now it's my turn to be attacked. I've been to Iraq four times to visit our troops; I know the incredible sacrifice our men and women in uniform make every day in service to our nation. But Norm Coleman is who he is -- so he's accusing me of "undermining our troops."

Frankly, I'm used to this kind of smear -- it's what happens when you speak truth to power in George W. Bush's America. But I think Minnesotans have had enough of this kind of political gamesmanship. As I go around the state, I don't hear a whole lot about ads in the New York Times. What I do hear is that Minnesotans want this war to end, and that if this president won't end it, they want the Senate to force him to end it.

There are more than 160,000 troops currently serving in Iraq. We should honor their service by providing them with the best possible medical care when they return. We should honor their sacrifice by refusing to allow this president to keep them there in the middle of a civil war. And we should honor them by taking seriously the difficult debate about the best way, or at least the least bad way, to end our engagement in Iraq.

Bush and his allies in Washington have blocked increases to veterans' benefits, refused to be held accountable for the mistakes that ruined our military's efforts in Iraq, and dodged every effort to bring our troops home. Instead of solutions, Norm Coleman offers political games and pointless attacks.

As a satirist, I find the whole thing ridiculous. But as a Minnesotan who wants to bring the troops home, I also find it sad.

Gosh, that was intelligent. Hmmmmm, intelligence in an elected official... not sure about that. However will Americans relate to him?

Oh my god, TV's not gay enough

2007-09-24T11:52:00.000-05:00

This is just a theory of mine, but is it possible that part of the reason the gay community and its issues aren't taken seriously could be that organizations like GLAAD spend their time and resources on irrelevant studies such as this one? They looked at nearly 100 television programs and counted the number of regular gay characters appearing in them. We've gone from 9 (last year) to 7 (this year).

"While we acknowledge there have been improvements made in how we are seen on the broadcast networks, most notably on ABC, our declining representation clearly indicates a failure to inclusively reflect the audience watching television," GLAAD President Neil G. Giuliano said in a statement.

Obviously we have a crisis on our hands. I mean, how is the gay community going to survive without Will & Grace and its two (and a half) completely realistic gay characters to accurately reflect what it means to be gay?

Next week, GLAAD will be revealing the results of its study on whether there is enough lesbian sex being portrayed on latenight Cinemax programming.

Politics on the brain

2007-09-21T12:41:00.001-05:00

I must admit, I'm confused and baffled by Senate Republicans. They got bitch-slapped, hard, by voters last year because of the Iraq War. So, with another election coming next year, you'd think they'd have learned their lesson and would want to do whatever they can to sever the link between the war disaster and "Republican."

Yet, they still voted down the Webb amendment this week. And what did that amendment try to do? Well, I know this is really controversial, and its such a FUCKING LIBERAL idea, but it would have required that troops have as much time at home as they spent on their previous tour of duty. (I know, its a pretty unpatriotic idea. Leave it to the Democrats to come up with such nonsense.)

Of course, Democrats should be out there accusing Republicans of not supporting our troops -- because they're NOT. But no, all Majority Leader Reid had to say this week was, "We still have hope that we can come up with something that will get us a majority of the votes." Way to lead, sir.

I Can Get Behind That

2007-09-05T15:48:00.001-05:00

My whole life I've kept a running tally in my head of the companies I hate the most. Because, you know, it feels good to rank my hate. Since I was about 14, Northwest Airlines has been at the top of that list. There's just nothing at all complementary that I can say about NWA. Yet, I've been forced to fly with them my whole life because I've always lived in cities with NWA hubs (Detroit and Minneapolis) or in small towns that were only serviced by Northwest regional jets.

This year, however, I discovered a new choice: Midwest Airlines. Yes, to get home it requires a layover in Milwaukee, but that's about the only disadvantage I can think of. The legroom is sufficient (though not luxurious); the seats are wider so you don't feel like a human sandwich with your neighbor(s); the staff is friendly and attentive, as opposed to cranky, overworked, and underappreciated by their company; the prices are way cheaper than Northwest; they fly into and out of smaller airports, which saves a bunch of time; and, they provide complimentary (that means "free," for all you Northwest passengers out there) freshly baked chocolate chip cookies on their flights.

The Best Care In The Air: I can get behind that!

That didn't take long!

2007-08-29T23:55:00.000-05:00

Less than 90 minutes and already Windows Vista has crashed. I'm not sure this was worth even the $50 I've paid for it...

I Can't Get Behind That

2007-08-29T23:02:00.000-05:00

I can't get behind PCs. Like, seriously, I don't understand why the entire population isn't using Macs.

I just got a new PC (through a combination of gift certificates, work bonuses, and rebates, I will end up paying about $50 for it). It took nearly 40 minutes from the time I pressed the power button to get to a point when I was in Windows Vista and could use the computer at will.

Of course, by "use at will," I mean that I was free to spend another hour of my time deleting all the shit that came preinstalled on the thing, and telling HP Total Care Advisor to stop caring so damn much and leave me the hell alone. There's so much crap in the taskbar that I don't even know where to begin. I think I've deleted 4 different copies of AOL already, and I haven't even launched Windows Explorer yet (oh, I see that Vista calls it "Computer"... how clever).

When I bought my Powerbook a couple years ago, I pulled it out of the box, put it on my desk, turned it on, and started playing. It was that easy.

And people wonder why Apple has fostered such unwavering loyalty from its customers? I'm starting to regret even getting another PC. (That feeling will change as soon as I install Civ4.)

I Can't Get Behind That

2007-08-22T14:42:00.000-05:00

I can't get behind the changing presidential primary and caucus calendar. Every state in the union now wants to be the first caucus or the first primary. State legislatures and state parties in California, Florida, Michigan, Minnesota, Arizona, South Carolina, Nevada, Iowa, New Hampshire, Wyoming, Maine, Montana, Ohio, and just about every other state except Hawaii and Rhode Island have already or are currently considering moving their state's place in the primary/caucus calendar forward.

It's turned into this giant screwed up game of leap frog. And as a result, one of two things (or both) will happen:

1.) Each party's nominee will be chosen before we even ring in the new year because the game of leap frog will have pushed the earliest states into December. This is ridiculous on principle of course, but think about the day-to-day consequences. How much do we already enjoy the Holiday season? Throw in some serious presidential politics and see how much better it gets.

2.) Eventually every state will leap onto the same day or cluster of days, and we'll have a national primary. This is a really, really bad idea, people. The entire point of caucuses in a few supposedly representative states is to allow candidates to vie for the nomination without needing to raise and spend money on the same level as they would for a national campaign. It's a system that favors the wealthy likes of Hillary Clinton and discourages candidates like Kucinich and Ron Paul -- who contribute a lot to the discussion and debate even if they don't win the nomination. Furthermore, a national primary means that all the candidates will be fighting for California, New York, Texas, etc. because they have the most delegates. While I agree that Iowa and New Hampshire wield too much power as the first caucuses and primaries, I do think there's value in gaving states like them an important say in the nomination process.

I have a radical idea. Let's stick to the same calendar we had in 2004, only this time around, let's not count/reveal any of the votes from any of the caucuses or primaries until all of them have been held. That way, when Iowans choose the wrong candidate, they won't be starting a tidal wave.

I have another radical idea. Let's use instant runoff voting in all of the caucuses and primaries, so that each state isn't an all-or-nothing win. Instead, each state would divide up its delegates based on the percentage of votes each candidate got.

I have another radical idea. Let's legislate mandatory spending caps for both the nomination process and the general election. How different would the election be if candidates had to use their money wisely because there's not as much of it? My god, they might actually have to campaign with substance (and I'm not talking about the kind you inhale, although that probably wouldn't hurt either). Now that really is a radical idea.

House

2007-08-21T12:27:00.001-05:00

The cranky doctor, not my dream home. When House first aired on TV, it was on at the same time as something else I wanted to watch, so I wasn't able to watch it. But I've always felt like I was missing out.

So I recently added it to my Netflix queueueueueueue (sorry, its fun to rapidly press the 'u' and 'e' keys), and I was right, its a very entertaining show.

Unfortunately, its turning me into a hypochondriac. Everytime I sneeze or cough, I expect blood to come shooting out my nose. Anytime something aches, I fear it's Hepatitis E. I had a headache this weekend, surely a result of my activities the night before, but I couldn't help wondering if I had an aneurism. I mean, every patient Dr. House sees is experiencing symptoms that have an initially obvious diagnosis. But then out of nowhere a turtle claws its way out of the patient's foot and suddenly a new diagnosis is needed.

I wonder if the number of hypochondriacs has risen in the US since the show debuted...

Fanmail Friday

2007-08-17T14:33:00.000-05:00

Today is Friday, which starts with the letter 'F'. Fanmail also starts with the letter 'F', so I thought I'd take advantage of this wacky coincidence to open a few letters. (Think Strongbad without the sweet animation. And the cute but unidentifiable sidekick.)

Dear svenden,
You so dope, yo!
Sincerely,
Hizzah (in da hood, yo)

Thank you so much for the compliment, Hizzah. I've been having a crappy day at work, so you have no idea how much your thoughtfulness has brightened my day! Although I do want to be clear on one thing in the event that for some unforeseeable reason I ever decide to run for public office: I do not now, nor have I ever, condoned the use of dope or any other illegal substance, no matter how incredibly awesome it might make you feel. Life isn't about having fun or letting loose, its about following the rules, even when they're dumb.

Dear svenden,
I gather from your blog that you're a sci-fi geek like me. What do you think of all the rumors running around that Tom Cruise has been cast in the upcoming Star Trek movie?
Thanks,
imarriedavulcan@hotmail.com

Wow, you got me pegged, you Vulcan-lover you! I was actually once a crazy Trekkie, but I've mostly left that in my past. Still, I can't help but be interested in the new movie. Although there's not really anything about it that has me excited. A prequel? Recasting Kirk and Spock? Seems rather illogical to me (Ohhhh, I got you there, didn't I?!). And Tom Cruise? It just kind of seems like they're trying to scare away all of the Star Trek fans. And all of the normal, mentally healthy people in the world, too. But, at least they'll get all of Tom Cruise's fans to the movie. Well, whichever ones aren't already living on another planet, schmanet, Janet.

Okay, I got time for one more:

hay their svenden,
totally din't meen 2 do it but i swallohd my pay chek how do i git it bak?
k thx,
rOb

Wow rOb (wtf?), that sucks for you. But these things do happen. I suppose. Anyway, you're in luck, because I can actually get another check sent out to you right away. I know people. All I need you to do is send me $30 for the 1-hour shipping cost. Given your questionable intelligence, I can only accept undigested cash. Give me a call and we can arrange a meeting place.

Well thanks to all of you, my 5.9 readers, for your letters! It's good to feel the love every now and then. Keep 'em coming!

Try and stick with me...

2007-08-16T10:33:00.000-05:00

I just dropped a vitamin on the floor in my cubical. Accidentally of course. But the charming dark paisley pattern of the carpet has provided the pill total camouflage. Someday, I'm sure, someone will find the lonely little goob of flaxseed oil. I wonder what happens to flaxseed oil if it sits out for weeks? Months? Years?

All of this led me to the following question: what does a flaxseed pill look like inside? Is it liquid? Or some kind of gelatinous goo? If they didn't cost so damn much, I'd go ahead and open one up to see. This one that's rolling around on the ground right now would be the perfect sacrificial subject, if only I could find it.

Speaking of rolling around, I swear that one of my cats did a somersault this morning. I had only been out of bed for about 5 minutes, which means I was practically still asleep, but it seemed pretty vivid at the time. And not altogether unlikely. He's demonstrated some impressive athletic ability before. Like the time he walked from my living room to the bedroom on only his front two paws.

And speaking of far-fetched stories, I don't know if this is for real, but it is side-splitting funny (headphones advisable if at work). To set it up, I'll just say that its a story involving a redneck, four little old women, an umbrella, and a very descriptive narrator.

And speaking of crazy shit, my friend wants me to try singing Xanadu the next time we go out for karaoke. I'd have to be in a very special drunken state to do that. Yikes.

Also speaking of crazy shit, this random guy at the gym last night approached my trainer to tell her that she needed a little more mascara. And also to educate her on the little known fact about the English language, that the letter K can be used to replace the letter C, but the letter C cannot be used to replace the letter K. After he left, we spent the rest of our training session scripting the experience into an entire episode of Seinfeld. The episode revolved around Kramer, who made the suggestion to Elaine regarding the mascara. Elaine then made the comment about the K's and C's, which led Jerry into suggesting, since K can be used instead of C, that Kramer respell his name to Cramer. And then George flipped out because that would be such a big commitment - after all, once you go to C you can't go back!

We declared ourselves brilliant after all that. I'm sure you agree with our assessment.

Also, while I was at the gym last night, and, also, speaking of funny sitcoms, Family Guy was on 2 of the 4 televisions, and everyone on the cardio equipment was laughing in tandem. It was totally awesome.

And finally, speaking of televised fiction, I watched the pilot episode of the remake of Flash Gordon last night. Holy suck! They get the award for worst casting ever. The woman playing Dale was okay, but the guys they got for Flash and Ming were entirely unconvincing. And the story itself was awful and completely not believable. Two twentysomething former lovers do not suddenly get sucked into a dimensional portal and wind up in the prison of some alien emperor without feeling a little freaked out. Instead, they offered their cell mate a piece of gum. WTF?

Poof -- and svenden suddenly reappeared!

2007-08-14T12:43:00.001-05:00

Here's the thing, I sit in front of a computer most of the day at work, so I have little desire to do so at home. Ergo (woo hoo! there's bonus points for using that word), if I am insanely busy at work, my blog gets neglected.

Wherefore (hm, not sure about that one), we are brought to this moment in time when I find myself apologizing to my 5.23 readers for leaving them hanging for the past couple weeks. All I can say is, get used to it. I'm loaded with several projects at work that are all due at about the same time, so things are a little corybantic (show some love to the thesaurus!) around here.

But I have a break in all the corybanticism (shwing!), so prepare for a mind dump...

First off, check this out! That's the 10 day forecast for my zip code, and there isn't a single temperature above 89 degress!! I'd run naked through the street celebrating, but its been so damn hot this summer that streaking has become common practice for most of the population.

Hopefully this forecast won't change at all, because I'm supposed to go to Valleyfair on the 23rd. 80 degrees and sunny for a day of rollercoaster mayhem? Works for me!

Lots of traveling coming up. Going to spend Labor Day weekend in Ontario on the boat. Headed up to Calgary in October (which, unfortunately, will be too late to see The Shatner Show). Then to Seattle for Thanksgiving. Back home to Detroit for Christmas. And then hopefully a week of skiing in Colorado sometime in January/February.

Oh, and have I mentioned that I'm going to Vancouver in 2010 for the Winter Olympics? Yep, I just made it through the qualifying rounds for speed skating. I crushed Apolo Anton Ohno's time. He's bummed that he won't be competing this go 'round, but he wished me the best of luck. Not that I'll need it.

Things have settled down here after the bridge collapse heard round the world. I'm quite confident that we'll have a new bridge this time next year. The Republicans are coming to the Twin Cities for their 2008 "How To Fuck Up The Country Some More" Convention. So of course, the rebuild will be rushed and not thought about. I guess they're going to unveil the plans this week for the new bridge. I'm quite confident they took plenty of time and energy to get it right this time...

*Poof!*

I Can't Get Behind That

2007-08-06T10:11:00.000-05:00

I can't get behind stupid shoppers. They're inconsiderate, socially inept idiots who are usually too busy talking on the phone to keep out of the damn way. Carts get stopped in the middle of the aisle. People don't slow down as they turn a corner. Mothers let their children run around causing havoc. Bargain hunters stop their cart in the middle of the entrance, blocking everyone else from entering, while they read through the coupon sheet to see if their Depends are on sale.

Well, last night, in a Seinfeldian sort of way, I drew the line! There was this one woman who was talking on the phone, thus paying zero attention to anyone else. I'm convinced she didn't even know what she was grabbing off the shelves. Yet, she would leave her cart crooked, blocking the entire aisle, while she stared blankly at the shelves (too busy talking to stay on task). After about the third time this happened to me, I decided to take action. It was in the cereal aisle -- a cluster-fuck on a good day. After I picked out my Cocoa Puffs, I headed down the aisle, approaching her cart. Rather than stop, I just kept on going. Rammed right into her cart, knocking it out of the way. She was furious of course, used some profanity, but I just kept on moving. A little further down the aisle, I passed another gentleman who smiled and said, "Nice job, buddy."

I didn't see her again until the checkout line. She was one lane over from me, still blabbing on the phone. With only one free hand, she was unloading her cart one item at a time. The cashier and the bagger were waiting on each item as it moved down the conveyer belts.

I saw her in the parking lot, too. She was leaving the store as I was leaving the parking lot. I imagined sideswiping her cart with my car, a mental image which kept a smile on my face all the way home.

I guess he won't be running now...

2007-07-31T12:21:00.000-05:00

I fear that my blog is becoming little more than a passive spam delivery mechanism. On the bright side, it's all really great spam! Yippee!

Like this video/commercial:

Get your trek/geek on!

2007-07-30T12:58:00.000-05:00

This is absurdly fun and funny: Play the Kirk vs Picard game! I never thought of using tea, Earl Grey, hot, as a weapon. Nice.

ahem.

2007-07-27T13:40:00.000-05:00

(via Daily Kos)

Yay for YouTube!

2007-07-24T09:22:00.000-05:00

Seriously, the CNN/YouTube debate last night was vastly superior to any of the other debates we've had so far. How entertaining was that? People are so funny and creative, which was such a nice contrast to the cookie-cutter candidates on stage.

And even Anderson Cooper was good as moderator. I appreciated his attempts to really press the candidates to Answer The Fucking Question!

I'm also surprised to say that the debate helped change my mind a little bit about some of the candidates. Take, for example, Joe Biden, who really seemed to rise above the other candidates on the Iraq questions and, especially, the Darfur questions. He totally shredded Bill Richardson on the Durfur question. Richardson was all, "We need diplomacy!," and Biden was all, "Fuck diplomacy, we need to send troops!" Of course, Hillary chimed in with the appropriate follow-up to Biden, "Too bad all our troops are tied up in Iraq."

Speaking of Bill "This Is What I Would Do" Richardson, who I've had high hopes for. He sucks as a candidate. I don't think he gave one good answer the entire night. Fortunately, he had Mike "It's Not Fair!" Gravel and Dennis "Text Peace" Kucinich to steal the I'm-Stupid spotlight. I mean, come on, "Text Peace"???? WTF? How is a text message going to change anyone's mind? That's gotta be the dumbest campaign gimic I've ever seen.

As for the Big 3, I felt that Edwards surpassed the others, although Hillary really didn't do too bad. Obama, however, not so much. Hillary really spanked him in questions about diplomacy. I really like how Edwards kept hammering at the need to take on the special interests. Good
luck buddy!

I really cannot wait until the Republicans get to do this. I'm sure the questions will be real winners. How many unborn babies have you saved, Senator McCain? Senator Brownback, can you tell us just how much you hate gay people? Governor Romney, I think we can all agree that the French people and everything they stand for is an abomination, but what would you do to address this crisis? Rep. Paul, why are you a Republican?

I Can Get Behind That

2007-07-16T15:23:00.000-05:00

I just found the coolest web site, yo! It's so fly!

Okay, sorry, I'm not good at sound hip. And the fact that I just used the word "hip" to refer to something other than the body party pretty much proves that point.

But seriously, you need to go check out Galaxy Zoo. It's a web site put together by some astronomers that lets you help with their research. The basic premise is that they've got all these images of galaxies that have been taken by telescopes over the years, but there's simply not enough people or computer power to look at all these pictures and start classifying them.

So, at the Galaxy Zoo, you can help out by looking at pictures of galaxies and categorizing them. There's a quick 10 minute tutorial, and then a 15 question quiz just to make sure you got the right idea, and then you can start looking at galaxies. But be warned, its strangely addicting and you may find it difficult to stop.

Online astronomical collaboration: I can get behind that!

p.s. - In case you're not one of the millions who are already using it, go download the seti@home screen saver and lend your unused computer processor power to the search for extraterrestrial life.

Blenders

2007-07-12T15:21:00.000-05:00

I use my blender on a nightly basis, to make my protein smoothie for breakfast the next morning. I'm using this cheap Walmart blender that I think I bought while in college. It's as lame as lame gets with a blender, and it really doesn't do a very good job of blending things.

It's kind of like if you had a car with square wheels. Or if you tried using a walkie talkie as a cell phone to call your friend in Luxembourg. Or if you had one piece of string when what you really needed was a grocery bag. Or if you had ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.

Anyway, I need something that is gonna last me a while. Also, something that isn't going to cost me $400. And something that won't leak while it sits in the fridge overnight. And something that isn't such a freakin' pain in the ass to handwash. So I went online today to check out some consumer reviews and came across this little gem at Amazon:

I have not actually used this product myself but I purchased it as a replacement for one that broke and it belonged to my sister. She seemed happy to get it and even though I have not asked, I think she's happy with the way it works.

I'm convinced! LOL

want!

2007-07-12T13:26:00.000-05:00

What to do the next time a soliciter calls

2007-07-12T09:36:00.000-05:00

This guy deserves an award of some kind. It's an 8 minute vid, but its 8 minutes well spent, I promise.

"I had an orange river of grease running down my leg!"

2007-07-09T14:38:00.000-05:00

Yep, this story takes the cake for being the most hilarious and disgusting news item of the year:

Dieters have been flocking to drugstores to pick up Alli, the first over-the-counter weight-loss pill to be approved by the Food and Drug Administration, despite the scary warning: Stray too far from your low-fat diet and you just might poop your pants.

It gets soooooo much better from there:

It can strike any time — even in the early hours of the morning. One user writes: “(Y)a know how when you start moving around in the morning ya pass a little gas. Well, I did and then went into the bathroom and to my horror I had an orange river of grease running down my leg.”

I love how the article makes all of this sound like fun. As if its a game to see if you can eat unhealthy while on this pill and avoid leaving a trail of your own shit wherever you walk:

Fellow cheaters advise each other on the best clean-up methods, and some even suggest using panty liners or Depends. One frugal user noted, “I’m thinking that infant diapers might be a cheaper way to go, just use them as a large pad.”

And there you find the truth: this pill is part of a conspiracy to boost sales of Depends adult diapers.

The bright side: You'll be able to smell the stupid people while they're still far enough away avoid.

Live Earth

2007-07-09T12:41:00.000-05:00

I watched/listened to quite a bit of the Live Earth concert this weekend while putzing around the house and hanging with the neighbors. I think the best performance I saw was, weirdly enough, Alicia Keyes and Keith Urban covering the Stones' "Shelter." I had no idea Alicia could rock like that. You go girl!

I also really enjoyed Duran Duran in London, KT Tunstall (surprisingly entertaining performer) and Melissa Etheridge in Jersey, and, of course, the penguin band in Antarctica. I caught about 20 seconds of Foo Fighters, which looked fantastic. I hope to find the full video of their performance online soon.

But the two people who hosted the coverage on Bravo? Wow, they need new jobs. I don't think they got through a single segment or interview smoothly. It was painful. Some of the PSAs were amusing though. And was that William Shatner doing the voice overs? Hawesome. ;)

It is rather amazing when you think about all the artists and how diverse they were. You almost can't help thinking instead of those artists who didn't participate.

Hopefully the concerts will do some good. Gore is smart to feed this issue to the public via pop culture and music. And in particular, he deserves credit for gearing the concerts towards younger audiences with artists like Kanye West, Ludicris, AFI, Linkin Park, etc.

I Can't Get Behind That: Special Scandal Edition!

2007-07-03T10:55:00.001-05:00

I can't get behind presidential pardons.

I won't regurgitate all of the outrage that has been spewed in response to Scooter Libby's ~~pardon~~ commutation. I'll merely defer to the smarter people: what they said.

But here's the question I haven't yet heard discussed: why should the President have pardon power at all? We have plenty of appeals processes in place to give convicted criminals ample avenues to get out of jail. Why should the President be able to trump the court system? It really does seem like the kind of power a King should have, not a democratically elected (well, supposedly) President.

Or, at the very, very least, shouldn't the President be barred from pardoning anyone who served in his administration? Isn't there just a slight conflict of interest there?

And how long do you think it will be before Scooter Libby is awarded some Presidential Medal? You know its gonna happen at some point. Some day we'll see Bush on TV, at a podium, along side which will stand Rummy, Brownie, Condi, Libby, Gonzie (hey, best I could do) and all the other champions of the "honor and integrity" that Bush promised to bring to Washington. And he'll place shiny medals around each of their necks and say to each of them: "Heck of a job."

That question has always bugged me!

2007-07-02T09:50:00.000-05:00

This is so weird. Ever since I took an amateurish interest in astronomy as a child, I've always enjoyed pondering such unweildy and mind-blowing questions as, "What exists beyond the edge of the universe?", and "What existed before the Big Bang?".

Well, about a week ago, I stumbled upon what looked like a nifty astronomy blog, called the Bad Astronomy Blog, that I decided to plug into Google Reader. Today I read my very first posting from that blog, and low and behold, it answered one of my unweildy and mind-blowing questions!! Or at least, it offered a possible answer. It's an enthralling read, check it out: What happened before the Big Bang? Here's the meat of it (elipses are mine, to shorten):

It’s been thought for sometime that there may have been some previous Universe that existed "before" ours. This is a difficult idea, because in the Big Bang model, space and time were created in that initial moment. But if Bojowald’s solutions are correct, it leads the way to understanding this previous Universe. It was out there, everywhere, and it contracted. Eventually it became an ultradense, ultrahot little ball of space and time. At some point, it got so small and so dense that bizarre quantum laws took effect...

What Bojowald’s work does, as I understand it... is simplify the math enough to be able to trace some properties of the Universe backwards, right down to T=0, which he calls the Big Bounce. The previous Universe collapsed down, and "bounced" outward again, forming our Universe. No doubt the physical aspects of this previous Universe were somewhat different; the quantum uncertainties at the moment of bounce would ensure that. It may have been much like ours, or it may have been quite alien. In his equations, it’s the volume of that previous Universe that cannot be determined. How big was it? It may literally be impossible to ever know.

This is great, I appreciate that people smarter than me are putting thought into my unweildy and mind-blowing questions. But I wish they would avoid generating new ones in the process...

So the universes (hm, never used that in a plural sense before -- is it universi?) have been "bouncing" up and down for kerjillions of years. Has that been going on for all of time, or did something happen that started the bouncing? And if so, what was that something and what did the universes look like before that something?

If there are multiple universes, they must be contained within something bigger, right? Just like there are multiple galaxies within a universe, there must be multiple universes within a _____? I need a name here, people. For now, I guess I'll just go with ploink. I wonder if there are multiple ploinks out there, too?

But perhaps most perplexing, if our own universe might have existed in a very similar way before the Big Bang/Big Bounce, then does that mean that we're now living in reverse of our pre-Big-Bounce counterparts? I mean, if they were headed towards a bounce and we're headed away from it, is it possible that their universe worked in reverse of ours? Did they die first, grow younger, and then get shoved inside their mother? Did they walk backwards? Did they read a book from the back page to the front page? Did they always know the winner of a race before it even started? And was pooping like eating to them, and eating like pooping? (Hey, that's where logic took me. Blame the Vulcans.)

Just Dew It

2007-06-29T15:38:00.001-05:00

Mountain Dew is a god-send. I drink it about once a decade, not because I don't like it, but because its the closest thing I have to coffee (which I don't like). If I drank it regularly, I'd build up a tolerance to it. Instead, I save it for those days when I really need a pick-me-up.

Like today. About 10 minutes ago I could barely keep my eyes open. And now, I can't seem to make them close, even to blink. Or maybe they're blinking so quickly that I don't even realize it. All I know is, my energy level just quintupled.

All of which ought to make the next hour or so rather interesting. I'm helping interview someone for an open position at work. I hope the candidate can keep up with me.

(Polishes off a 20 oz bottle, in under 10 minutes...)

Hell, I hope I can keep up with me.

I Can't Get Behind That

2007-06-28T13:15:00.000-05:00

I can't get behind family drama, and I can't get behind people who won't apologize for or even acknowledge the mean-spirited and hurtful things they've done. How do you get past something when you can't even agree on what the something is?

It's totally fiction, I swear (part 2)

2007-06-27T14:37:00.000-05:00

Picking up where we left off, a follow-up meeting to yesterday's:

Presenter: "Hi again, everyone. Just want to thank you for all the feedback yesterday. Sorry we can't implement any of it, the developer will start building the new tool tomorrow. Okay, so lets finish going through the screens. I welcome your input."
Me: "Why is that whole section going to be inactive when the tool goes live?"
Presenter: "Well, because we can't reach consensus on how to use those fields."
Me: "So, we're going to build it, wrong, and fix it later?"
Presenter: "Well, not sure we'll be able to do that. It's not in the budget to pay this developer beyond the initial development phase."
Me: "So, we're going to build it, wrong, and not fix it later?"
Someone Else: "Isn't this exactly what got us into trouble with the old tool?"
Presenter: "Don't worry, this tool will be better."

Woo hoo!!

2007-06-27T09:40:00.000-05:00

How cool is this? I estimate I now have a full 4.3 readers! And, here's the more exciting part, my blog now has an international audience!!! Kick ass! I think he's Portuguese, at least that was the language that Babel Fish had the most success with. Unfortunately, he was just spamming his own blog, which is apparently about how to create a T-Shirt. Fantastic!

I just love starting my day with this kind of random shit. It makes me all warm and confused.

It's totally fiction, I swear

2007-06-26T14:37:00.001-05:00

Summary of a meeting I sat through at work today:

Presenter: "Hi everyone, I'd like your feedback and suggestions on this new tool we're developing."
Me: "Ok. Well, that particular field doesn't make much sense to me. Can we reword it to be clearer?"
Presenter: "Nope, sorry, we don't have time to make changes to this new tool."
Someone Else: "You know, that section there will take a lot of work on our part to complete. Could we do it this way instead to save us a bunch of time?"
Presenter: "Nope, sorry, that's too complicated to implement. We don't have the time."
Presenter: "Well, thanks everyone for your input, I greatly appreciate it."

This gives me the perfect opportunity to introduce my 2.7 readers (hey, the number's growing at least) to my Slogan for Life: Whatever... Oh well.

(Someday I'm gonna get a tee-shirt made of that. It will say "Whatever." on the front and "Oh well." on the back.)

I Can Get Behind That

2007-06-25T13:33:00.001-05:00

I recently re-upped my membership to Minnesota Public Radio, because they totally rock. Anyway, I opted for a membership gift this year, and got a super-snazzy Camelbak water bottle! It's so much better than the boring, beat up, worn out, and boring-blue Nalgene that I was using. This one is green (so hot!), and has a pivotable-straw! Oh the gadgets!! I dare say, its almost sexy.

Also got an MPR tote bag, which is handy and will help me fit in at the local co-op when I go there to buy my $6 gallon of milk and $4 tomatoes. But its the Camelbak I really wanted.

My new MPR Camelbak: I can get behind that.

Let X = X

2007-06-25T12:31:00.000-05:00

This is the best news I've heard in forever! Not only are they releasing a remastered edition of Laurie Anderson's Big Science for its 25th anniversary, but Laurie is at work on a new album to be released next year!

Weird timing for this rare bit of news, because I've been on a total Laurie Anderson kick lately. In fact, 4 of the 6 slots in my CD deck in the car currently house her albums. And I've been gaining some insight into my own life because of it. Take, for example, Let X=X, which can be found on Big Science:

I met this guy - and he looked like he might have
been a hat check clerk at an ice rink.
Which, in fact, he turned out to be. And I said:
Oh boy. Right again.

Let X=X.

Yeah, sometimes things really are just as they seem. You don't have dig for hidden meanings and hidden agendas in everything that people do. There's someone I need to say that to. And he just so happens to be a Laurie Anderson fan as well, which gives me the perfect "in."

Here's another of my favorite Laurie Anderson lyrics (from My Eyes):

If I were the president
If I were Queen for a day
I'd give the ugly people all the money
I'd re-write the Book of Love
I'd make it funny

I thoroughly approve of both of these proposals.

Boston Travelogue

2007-06-25T10:57:00.000-05:00

Boston's a nice town, reminded me a lot of Minneapolis, actually. Only bigger. And with a river and an ocean instead of inland lakes. And with people who talk funny (oh yah, Minnesotans are perfectly normal, eh).

Actually, the only time I had trouble with the Bostonian accent was at the car rental counter. It was like a different language. At least the clerk was cute. I just focused on that and signed when he asked me to.

My hotel was in Cambridge, right across the street from "Hahved." I was surprisingly comfortable with the very likely reality that I was the least intelligent person to be found in a 5 mile radius.

I spent most of my time in the business meetings or downtown, where I did a lot of walking and a lot of trolley riding. It's really a very pleasant and clean metropolitan city. I enjoyed the historic landmarks, such as the Old North Church (pic at right) where the lanterns were lit for Paul Revere's ride. Its kind of cool to stand there and picture it all playing out.

I totally geeked out when I found the building that was used as the exterior of the Law Offices of Cage & Fish on Ally McBeal. Its some religious services organization in the real building. Nevertheless, it was worth a picture (below).

I walked around the Boston Common and Public Gardens. As I travel more, I find that inner city parks are a really important part of a city's image and appeal. It's what Detroit lacks.

One thing that I would not recommend doing while in Boston is going to the Museum of Science. I really was not impressed. I suppose children would have fun there, but there's not much for adults. I actually fell asleep during the Planetarium show, which was entirely unoriginal. But the seats were cozy and reclined!

I crammed quite a bit in for just two short days. If I have occasion to go there again, I would really like to get out of the city and see more of the countryside. Maybe go down to Cape Cod.

I don't understand

2007-06-22T11:31:00.000-05:00

Let's play make-believe. Pretend you're getting dressed in the morning. You've just put your Hello Kitty boxers on (because your girlfriend thinks they're hot). You slip on your jeans, followed by socks and a bitchin' pair of sneakers from Payless. Then you put on a slick, sexy plaid button-up (with a unique coffee stain on the right sleeve - "It sets me apart!"), and as you fasten the last button, suddenly your hair turns a charming shade of mauve.

Confused, you take off the shirt and your hair reverts back to its natural color.

Now, really confused, you put the shirt back on again. Charming shade of mauve.

Your brain tries and tries and tries to make sense of this situation, but when it fails, all it can do is fall back on logic. Which first tells you that this shouldn't be happening at all, there's no logical explanation. But, logically speaking, all you can do is accept it and try to figure out how to fix it. Logically.

So, you try putting the shirt on inside out. Charming shade of mauve. You try taking your shoes off, and then putting the shirt back on. Charming shade of mauve. Perhaps your hair is freaked out by the boxers, so you try dressing without them. Still a charming shade of mauve. Maybe if you try a different shirt? Charming shade of mauve. You try every nonsensical, frankly absurd combination of clothing and sequence of getting dressed, but each time you end up with: charming shade of mauve.

Now, imagine how frustrated you would be. Welcome to my day at work.

I Can Get Behind That

2007-06-21T15:54:00.000-05:00

After all this traveling, I've decided that the video iPod is the greatest invention of the decade. Furthermore, the ability to download TV shows and movies to the video iPod is freakin' genius. I watched nearly an entire season of a TV show while waiting in the airport, waiting for a shuttle, riding on the shuttle, sitting on a plane, etc.

Now, I'm not sure I could get excited about watching, say, Lord of the Rings, on my iPod. But your basic TV sitcom? Hell yeah!

Watching TV on my iPod: I can get behind that.

5ives

2007-06-21T13:51:00.000-05:00

5ives is hit and miss, but this one is definitely a hit:

5 things you might do with "all that ass"
open a modest home ass business
serve hot meals of ass to the less fortunate
hold a weekend “Ass Sale” on your lawn
make colorful ass gift bags for the holidays
give sympathetic testimony for recovering hump drunks

Welcome to Boston, where the local time is "Late."

2007-06-21T11:22:00.000-05:00

Have you ever seen that movie Duets? It's nothing too special (although the soundtrack is FAB!), but Paul Giamatti's character is a traveling businessman, and in one of the opening scenes, he's on a business trip and goes to his meeting, starts the presentation, and (long story short) finds out he's in the wrong city. Ooops.

And now I understand how that could happen. I was on vacation last weekend, flew back very late Sunday night, and had less than 12 hours to turn around and leave again for a business trip to Boston. I've never felt so disoriented, and so disconnected from life and the world. Air travel is such a mentally draining activity, I found that I didn't really care about anything. I was just moving from one line to the next. Waiting, waiting, waiting, and waiting some more.

I don't want to see an airport or an airplane ever again. Which, of course, is an impossible dream, but its feeding my righteous indignation right now, which feels good. I'm embracing my self-pity at the moment. Its getting me through the day, which is a good thing, Martha, because I am in desperate need of the weekend.

P.S. - All of this is not to suggest that I didn't enjoy my vacation or my business trip. Quite to the contrary. I just wish they'd invent the damn transporter already, so we could go from one place to the next with the sliding of a few curiously imprecise controls. Oh, how grand would life be, to have our molecules scattered across the airwaves.

I Can't Get Behind That

2007-06-14T23:27:00.000-05:00

I can't get behind Northwest Airlines. At all. Their planes are uncomfortable. Their flight attendants are cranky. They cost too much. They're almost always late. And they make you pay extra for an exit row seat. That's discrimination in my book, against tall people.

On the bright side, I made it to Detroit in tact, with all my luggage. Hoorah.

Thank god, the boycott was killing me.

2007-06-12T13:09:00.000-05:00

I'm a little behind the times in finding out about this, but its great news nevertheless. In response to pressure from consumers and environmental groups, Apple will finally start greening its products. In fact, according to Greenpeace, Apple has announced a plan that's even more aggressive than Dell's to remove the most toxic chemicals from its products.

Which is great news, because I just wet myself watching the new Mac OS Leopard tour. The new desktop design and Finder look beeeeautiful! And now it sounds like I can go ahead and upgrade with a less guilty conscience.

I'm still not going to dish out $1.29 for one song, though.

I Can't Get Behind That

2007-06-11T16:14:00.000-05:00

I can't get behind iTunes' new DRM-free music. Don't get me wrong, I love the DRM-free part, but it costs too much money. $1.29 for one song? What planet, schmanit, is Steve Jobs from? I still grimace every time I see a $0.99 charge on my credit card statement.

The truth is, DRM doesn't bug me in practice. It has yet to limit my use of music. Conceptually, it offends me, but not so much that I'll pay 30% more per song on principle alone.

I feel so weak.

More presidential stuff

2007-06-11T10:54:00.000-05:00

This weekend I caught some recaps of the presidential debates from last week. Obama surprised me. I actually saw a glimmer of the candidate we all hoped he'd be, after Wolfie asked the candidates if English should be the official language of the United States:

"I have to say that that kind of question... this is the kind of question that is designed precisely to divide us. You know, you're right. Everybody is going to learn to speak English if they live in this country. The issue is not whether or not future generations of immigrants are going to learn English. The question is: How can we come up with both a legal, sensible immigration policy?... And when we get distracted by those kinds of questions, I think we do a disservice to the American people."

He's absolutely right. Why are we wasting precious debate time on a stupid question like that, when there are more important issues on which I'd like to hear the candidates speak? You know, like the war in Iraq? The planetary destruction that global warming will reap upon us? Paris Hilton's jail sentence? It's just like the flag-burning non-issue. It's piece of cloth, people. I realize there's symbolism involved when someone burns the flag, but shouldn't we be more concerned with the loss of actual lives in this out-of-control war? (Yes, Hillary, I'm looking at you.)

On the republican side, they seemed a little bit less off-the-deep-end this time around, although I didn't see as much of their debate. I enjoyed Tancredo's response to the question of how he might use Former President (ooo, I like the sound of that) Shrub in his administration. It was a total bitch slap. Say what you will about Tancredo, but at least he's not afraid to speak his mind, even when it means talking badly of our Holy Annointed King (that's pronounced hack).

Chain-chain-chaaaaaaaaain...

2007-06-11T09:47:00.000-05:00

Went out Friday with a coworker and her friends to a new bar downtown, called Sneaky Pete's. Your standard sports bar fare. But the reason we went was to root for a friend of hers who was a finalist in a singing contest the bar has sponsored. The finalists all got to sing one song with local band High & Mighty. My coworker's friend was, in my mostly un-biased opinion, the best singer of the bunch (she totally owned Chain of Fools), but she lost to this overacted hipster dude who did his whole song with a bottle of beer squooshed into his shirt pocket.

But anyway, this was my first time seeing High & Mighty, and wow! They rocked! They're a disco/funk/soul cover band, and some of their covers were better than the originals (they totally made Brick House enjoyable again). I look forward to seeing them again sometime.

It's also got my karaoke gene itching again. The friend of my coworker (how'm I doing at keeping it anonymous?) who lost the competition occasionally runs karaoke at a bar in Bloomington, so I'm gonna have to check that out sometime. Svenden misses the karaoke. :)

And now for some substance

2007-06-08T15:29:00.001-05:00

For my first post of substance on this, my new and shiny blog, I thought I'd pontifamicate on the presidential race. That is, afterall, how I got into blogging to begin with (four or so years ago when I signed up with the then-unknown Howard Dean campaign).

Sadly, there's no Howard Dean this year, not in name or conviction. Well, okay, that's not entirely true. I can't in good faith say that Dennis Kucinich (D) and Ron Paul (R) are lacking in conviction. But even if either of them manages to garner any sizeable support, let's face it: generally speaking, their views and opinions are too extreme to ever win them the nomination.

Of the candidates with any chance at winning their parties' nominations, there are to me two big giant stinking disappointments: Barack Obama and John McCain.

Obama was hailed as the great hope of the Democratic Party. He was going to be the next Great Communicator. He was elegant. He was tall. He was fresh. He was intelligent. He was Black. And, yes, he was articulate and clean. Then he jumped into the presidential race and turned into just another politician, playing the polls and getting into press release wars with other candidates over who has the most money and who has the nicest ancestors. I expected as much from Hillary, but with all the hype had hoped Barack could "raise the level of debate." So much for substance.

And then there's John McCain, once considered the single pillar of candor and honesty in Washington. Now? Yep, just another politician playing the polls. I may actually have considered voting for him if he'd been the same kind of candidate this time around as he was in 99/00. Instead, he's taken an obvious right turn towards the conservative Christian wackaloons (I use this word to distinguish from all the perfectly rational and actually compassionate conservative Christians out there).

I had hoped that this election would restore at least a shred of decency to national politics in this country, but I'm running low on hope. Although, if Big Al were to change his mind...

About the title

2007-06-08T15:10:00.001-05:00

For those who aren't familiar, the title of this little blog is a lyric from The Last Resort by The Eagles. It's like my entire worldview in a song. Its about our unending search for paradise, and the tragic irony that everytime we find it, our very presence destroys it. Don Henley is a songwriting genius. I mean, check out these lines from the song:

Some rich men came and raped the land, nobody caught 'em
Put up a bunch of ugly boxes, and Jesus, people bought 'em

I love the way he sings it, so that you can't tell if he's saying "... and Jesus, people bought 'em" or "... and Jesuspeople bought 'em." The song is such a great criticism of organized religion.

BUT, don't get me going on religion. I'll save that for later. All I really wanted to do here was explain the title of the blog. Not that the meaning of the song really has anything to do with my blog. I just liked the dichotomy of that particular lyric, it seemed to be applicable to the idea of blogging -- how it can foster courage in conviction while keeping things anonymous.

Profound, huh?

A new beginning

2007-06-08T14:55:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, I had a livejournal, which was pretty active for a couple years. But most of my friends stopped using theirs, and I hung on for a while before eventually losing interest myself. Not sure why exactly, but for whatever reason I have recently had the itch to once again share my opinions of the world. I'm sure all 2.5 of my readers will find them insightful.

What you can expect from this blog
I'll surely write about politics, entertainment, hobbies, my crazy cats, and other random life observations.

What you shouldn't expect from this blog
I'm going to try and leave the personal life journaling out of this. If you're interested in that stuff, call me and I'll happily share. I just don't feel like sharing it with the whole world. And the whole world probably doesn't feel like hearing about it.

So that's the plan, we'll see what happens...

A place to stand, a place to hide

The best part is it would bring an end to airports and airlines

I Can Get Behind That

Jolly Good Person Watch: Rev. Joseph Lowery

Looney Toon Watch: Pope Benedict XVI

Unbelievable Ignorant Ass Watch: Vice President Dick

I told you so

Jolly Good Person Watch

Ba(ra)ck.

Books going the way of music?

Looney Toon Watch: Laurie Coleman

Best Damn Dozen Songs You've Never Heard

Independence Day Quotation

Looney Toon Watch: Russia

Wisdom

Unbelievable Ignorant Ass Watch: President Shrub

Looney Toon Watch: Sen. John Cornyn

Video: Obama on Father's Day

Presidential Election Prediction

Jolly Good Person Watch

Speech Summaries

Looney Toon Watch: John McCain

New product marketing plan

Reasons Hillary Should Not Drop Out

Looney Toon Watch: Monica Conyers

MSNBC Parody

I Can't Get Behind That: Unexpected Defending Hillary Edition!

I Can Get Behind That: Duh Edition

Things you shouldn't do when trying to sell me a car

Looney Toon Watch: Michelle Bachmann

8 Reasons Facebook Frightens Me

Highlight of my day

I Can Get Behind That

Activities to Avoid After Novocaine

This is not a time to play it safe

Jane Fonda a Traitor, Again

Feeling bloggy

Debate transcript

Bye Bye Rudy

Bye Bye Edwards

Time to get my geek on

I Can't Get Behind That (Special Election Edition)

Thank you WGA!

Iowans get it right this time

More about the WGA Strike

Cheers, darlin'

I'm impressed

Ecospot

I Can't Get Behind That (Special Video Edition!)

Mayor Makes a Funny

Excuse me

Wally

Way to go, Al!

Oh my god, TV's not gay enough

Politics on the brain

I Can Get Behind That

That didn't take long!

I Can't Get Behind That

I Can't Get Behind That

House

Fanmail Friday

Try and stick with me...

*Poof* -- and svenden suddenly reappeared!

I Can't Get Behind That

I guess he won't be running now...

Get your trek/geek on!

ahem.

Yay for YouTube!

I Can Get Behind That

Blenders

want!

What to do the next time a soliciter calls

"I had an orange river of grease running down my leg!"

Live Earth

I Can't Get Behind That: Special Scandal Edition!

That question has always bugged me!

Just Dew It

I Can't Get Behind That

It's totally fiction, I swear (part 2)

Woo hoo!!

Poof -- and svenden suddenly reappeared!