That didn't take long!

Less than 90 minutes and already Windows Vista has crashed. I'm not sure this was worth even the $50 I've paid for it...

I Can't Get Behind That

I can't get behind PCs. Like, seriously, I don't understand why the entire population isn't using Macs.

I just got a new PC (through a combination of gift certificates, work bonuses, and rebates, I will end up paying about $50 for it). It took nearly 40 minutes from the time I pressed the power button to get to a point when I was in Windows Vista and could use the computer at will.

Of course, by "use at will," I mean that I was free to spend another hour of my time deleting all the shit that came preinstalled on the thing, and telling HP Total Care Advisor to stop caring so damn much and leave me the hell alone. There's so much crap in the taskbar that I don't even know where to begin. I think I've deleted 4 different copies of AOL already, and I haven't even launched Windows Explorer yet (oh, I see that Vista calls it "Computer"... how clever).

When I bought my Powerbook a couple years ago, I pulled it out of the box, put it on my desk, turned it on, and started playing. It was that easy.

And people wonder why Apple has fostered such unwavering loyalty from its customers? I'm starting to regret even getting another PC. (That feeling will change as soon as I install Civ4.)

I Can't Get Behind That

I can't get behind the changing presidential primary and caucus calendar. Every state in the union now wants to be the first caucus or the first primary. State legislatures and state parties in California, Florida, Michigan, Minnesota, Arizona, South Carolina, Nevada, Iowa, New Hampshire, Wyoming, Maine, Montana, Ohio, and just about every other state except Hawaii and Rhode Island have already or are currently considering moving their state's place in the primary/caucus calendar forward.

It's turned into this giant screwed up game of leap frog. And as a result, one of two things (or both) will happen:

1.) Each party's nominee will be chosen before we even ring in the new year because the game of leap frog will have pushed the earliest states into December. This is ridiculous on principle of course, but think about the day-to-day consequences. How much do we already enjoy the Holiday season? Throw in some serious presidential politics and see how much better it gets.

2.) Eventually every state will leap onto the same day or cluster of days, and we'll have a national primary. This is a really, really bad idea, people. The entire point of caucuses in a few supposedly representative states is to allow candidates to vie for the nomination without needing to raise and spend money on the same level as they would for a national campaign. It's a system that favors the wealthy likes of Hillary Clinton and discourages candidates like Kucinich and Ron Paul -- who contribute a lot to the discussion and debate even if they don't win the nomination. Furthermore, a national primary means that all the candidates will be fighting for California, New York, Texas, etc. because they have the most delegates. While I agree that Iowa and New Hampshire wield too much power as the first caucuses and primaries, I do think there's value in gaving states like them an important say in the nomination process.

I have a radical idea. Let's stick to the same calendar we had in 2004, only this time around, let's not count/reveal any of the votes from any of the caucuses or primaries until all of them have been held. That way, when Iowans choose the wrong candidate, they won't be starting a tidal wave.

I have another radical idea. Let's use instant runoff voting in all of the caucuses and primaries, so that each state isn't an all-or-nothing win. Instead, each state would divide up its delegates based on the percentage of votes each candidate got.

I have another radical idea. Let's legislate mandatory spending caps for both the nomination process and the general election. How different would the election be if candidates had to use their money wisely because there's not as much of it? My god, they might actually have to campaign with substance (and I'm not talking about the kind you inhale, although that probably wouldn't hurt either). Now that really is a radical idea.

House

The cranky doctor, not my dream home. When House first aired on TV, it was on at the same time as something else I wanted to watch, so I wasn't able to watch it. But I've always felt like I was missing out.

So I recently added it to my Netflix queueueueueueue (sorry, its fun to rapidly press the 'u' and 'e' keys), and I was right, its a very entertaining show.

Unfortunately, its turning me into a hypochondriac. Everytime I sneeze or cough, I expect blood to come shooting out my nose. Anytime something aches, I fear it's Hepatitis E. I had a headache this weekend, surely a result of my activities the night before, but I couldn't help wondering if I had an aneurism. I mean, every patient Dr. House sees is experiencing symptoms that have an initially obvious diagnosis. But then out of nowhere a turtle claws its way out of the patient's foot and suddenly a new diagnosis is needed.

I wonder if the number of hypochondriacs has risen in the US since the show debuted...

Fanmail Friday

Today is Friday, which starts with the letter 'F'. Fanmail also starts with the letter 'F', so I thought I'd take advantage of this wacky coincidence to open a few letters. (Think Strongbad without the sweet animation. And the cute but unidentifiable sidekick.)

Dear svenden,
You so dope, yo!
Sincerely,
Hizzah (in da hood, yo)

Thank you so much for the compliment, Hizzah. I've been having a crappy day at work, so you have no idea how much your thoughtfulness has brightened my day! Although I do want to be clear on one thing in the event that for some unforeseeable reason I ever decide to run for public office: I do not now, nor have I ever, condoned the use of dope or any other illegal substance, no matter how incredibly awesome it might make you feel. Life isn't about having fun or letting loose, its about following the rules, even when they're dumb.

Dear svenden,
I gather from your blog that you're a sci-fi geek like me. What do you think of all the rumors running around that Tom Cruise has been cast in the upcoming Star Trek movie?
Thanks,
imarriedavulcan@hotmail.com

Wow, you got me pegged, you Vulcan-lover you! I was actually once a crazy Trekkie, but I've mostly left that in my past. Still, I can't help but be interested in the new movie. Although there's not really anything about it that has me excited. A prequel? Recasting Kirk and Spock? Seems rather illogical to me (Ohhhh, I got you there, didn't I?!). And Tom Cruise? It just kind of seems like they're trying to scare away all of the Star Trek fans. And all of the normal, mentally healthy people in the world, too. But, at least they'll get all of Tom Cruise's fans to the movie. Well, whichever ones aren't already living on another planet, schmanet, Janet.

Okay, I got time for one more:

hay their svenden,
totally din't meen 2 do it but i swallohd my pay chek how do i git it bak?
k thx,
rOb

Wow rOb (wtf?), that sucks for you. But these things do happen. I suppose. Anyway, you're in luck, because I can actually get another check sent out to you right away. I know people. All I need you to do is send me $30 for the 1-hour shipping cost. Given your questionable intelligence, I can only accept undigested cash. Give me a call and we can arrange a meeting place.

Well thanks to all of you, my 5.9 readers, for your letters! It's good to feel the love every now and then. Keep 'em coming!

Try and stick with me...

I just dropped a vitamin on the floor in my cubical. Accidentally of course. But the charming dark paisley pattern of the carpet has provided the pill total camouflage. Someday, I'm sure, someone will find the lonely little goob of flaxseed oil. I wonder what happens to flaxseed oil if it sits out for weeks? Months? Years?

All of this led me to the following question: what does a flaxseed pill look like inside? Is it liquid? Or some kind of gelatinous goo? If they didn't cost so damn much, I'd go ahead and open one up to see. This one that's rolling around on the ground right now would be the perfect sacrificial subject, if only I could find it.

Speaking of rolling around, I swear that one of my cats did a somersault this morning. I had only been out of bed for about 5 minutes, which means I was practically still asleep, but it seemed pretty vivid at the time. And not altogether unlikely. He's demonstrated some impressive athletic ability before. Like the time he walked from my living room to the bedroom on only his front two paws.

And speaking of far-fetched stories, I don't know if this is for real, but it is side-splitting funny (headphones advisable if at work). To set it up, I'll just say that its a story involving a redneck, four little old women, an umbrella, and a very descriptive narrator.

And speaking of crazy shit, my friend wants me to try singing Xanadu the next time we go out for karaoke. I'd have to be in a very special drunken state to do that. Yikes.

Also speaking of crazy shit, this random guy at the gym last night approached my trainer to tell her that she needed a little more mascara. And also to educate her on the little known fact about the English language, that the letter K can be used to replace the letter C, but the letter C cannot be used to replace the letter K. After he left, we spent the rest of our training session scripting the experience into an entire episode of Seinfeld. The episode revolved around Kramer, who made the suggestion to Elaine regarding the mascara. Elaine then made the comment about the K's and C's, which led Jerry into suggesting, since K can be used instead of C, that Kramer respell his name to Cramer. And then George flipped out because that would be such a big commitment - after all, once you go to C you can't go back!

We declared ourselves brilliant after all that. I'm sure you agree with our assessment.

Also, while I was at the gym last night, and, also, speaking of funny sitcoms, Family Guy was on 2 of the 4 televisions, and everyone on the cardio equipment was laughing in tandem. It was totally awesome.

And finally, speaking of televised fiction, I watched the pilot episode of the remake of Flash Gordon last night. Holy suck! They get the award for worst casting ever. The woman playing Dale was okay, but the guys they got for Flash and Ming were entirely unconvincing. And the story itself was awful and completely not believable. Two twentysomething former lovers do not suddenly get sucked into a dimensional portal and wind up in the prison of some alien emperor without feeling a little freaked out. Instead, they offered their cell mate a piece of gum. WTF?

*Poof* -- and svenden suddenly reappeared!

Here's the thing, I sit in front of a computer most of the day at work, so I have little desire to do so at home. Ergo (woo hoo! there's bonus points for using that word), if I am insanely busy at work, my blog gets neglected.

Wherefore (hm, not sure about that one), we are brought to this moment in time when I find myself apologizing to my 5.23 readers for leaving them hanging for the past couple weeks. All I can say is, get used to it. I'm loaded with several projects at work that are all due at about the same time, so things are a little corybantic (show some love to the thesaurus!) around here.

But I have a break in all the corybanticism (shwing!), so prepare for a mind dump...

First off, check this out! That's the 10 day forecast for my zip code, and there isn't a single temperature above 89 degress!! I'd run naked through the street celebrating, but its been so damn hot this summer that streaking has become common practice for most of the population.

Hopefully this forecast won't change at all, because I'm supposed to go to Valleyfair on the 23rd. 80 degrees and sunny for a day of rollercoaster mayhem? Works for me!

Lots of traveling coming up. Going to spend Labor Day weekend in Ontario on the boat. Headed up to Calgary in October (which, unfortunately, will be too late to see The Shatner Show). Then to Seattle for Thanksgiving. Back home to Detroit for Christmas. And then hopefully a week of skiing in Colorado sometime in January/February.

Oh, and have I mentioned that I'm going to Vancouver in 2010 for the Winter Olympics? Yep, I just made it through the qualifying rounds for speed skating. I crushed Apolo Anton Ohno's time. He's bummed that he won't be competing this go 'round, but he wished me the best of luck. Not that I'll need it.

Things have settled down here after the bridge collapse heard round the world. I'm quite confident that we'll have a new bridge this time next year. The Republicans are coming to the Twin Cities for their 2008 "How To Fuck Up The Country Some More" Convention. So of course, the rebuild will be rushed and not thought about. I guess they're going to unveil the plans this week for the new bridge. I'm quite confident they took plenty of time and energy to get it right this time...

*Poof!*

I Can't Get Behind That

I can't get behind stupid shoppers. They're inconsiderate, socially inept idiots who are usually too busy talking on the phone to keep out of the damn way. Carts get stopped in the middle of the aisle. People don't slow down as they turn a corner. Mothers let their children run around causing havoc. Bargain hunters stop their cart in the middle of the entrance, blocking everyone else from entering, while they read through the coupon sheet to see if their Depends are on sale.

Well, last night, in a Seinfeldian sort of way, I drew the line! There was this one woman who was talking on the phone, thus paying zero attention to anyone else. I'm convinced she didn't even know what she was grabbing off the shelves. Yet, she would leave her cart crooked, blocking the entire aisle, while she stared blankly at the shelves (too busy talking to stay on task). After about the third time this happened to me, I decided to take action. It was in the cereal aisle -- a cluster-fuck on a good day. After I picked out my Cocoa Puffs, I headed down the aisle, approaching her cart. Rather than stop, I just kept on going. Rammed right into her cart, knocking it out of the way. She was furious of course, used some profanity, but I just kept on moving. A little further down the aisle, I passed another gentleman who smiled and said, "Nice job, buddy."

I didn't see her again until the checkout line. She was one lane over from me, still blabbing on the phone. With only one free hand, she was unloading her cart one item at a time. The cashier and the bagger were waiting on each item as it moved down the conveyer belts.

I saw her in the parking lot, too. She was leaving the store as I was leaving the parking lot. I imagined sideswiping her cart with my car, a mental image which kept a smile on my face all the way home.